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Saturday, May 20th 2023

A 'LADY' CAN BE BORN IN A COW SHED

Yesterday afternoon I was at home twiddling my thumbs feeling bored & wondering what to do with myself, when lo and behold, a very good friend of mine ( an elderly gentleman who I've known for several years) called me up and told me that he was in London because he was meeting up with another gentleman who he had ONLY recently become acquainted with whilst quaffing a pint in a swanky Mayfair pub during a recent trip here a few weeks earlier....

And so My good friend then asked me to join him and this other elderly supposedly 'distinguished' gentleman to meet for lunch and drinks at this well- known ex- veteran Military private club in London exclusively reserved for the crème de la crème of society (and definitely NOT for the likes of commoners Like MOI! (OR so I was informed much later!) Ok! so allow me to tell you some backstory about this new fresh- face acquaintance in my friend's life...

Ah, Nigel the Guttersnipe, or so we shall refer to him for the sake of confidentiality. From what I gather, he fancies himself as quite the distinguished gentleman, boasting of his Harrovian roots and speaking with a certain je ne sais quoi. He resides in the illustrious Mayfair, taking up residence in none other than the former abode of rock legend Jimi Hendrix. One can often find him indulging in the finest champagne, living a life of luxury and excess. And, if the rumours are true, he is soon to be wed for the umpteenth time to a Lady of high society

This geezer claimed to be worth a king's ransom, and had properties in France, Monte Carlo, and god knows where else. But! here's the kicker - his stories seemingly kept changing with an array of varying contradictions. Since hooking up with my friend as his new found buddy this so called highly esteemed and well- connected bloke has been spinning all sorts of yarns that didn't quite add up to being the actual reality of truth.

So! I accept my friends invitation and get all dolled up and then head over to this pub in Mayfair (where I had arranged to meet my good friend for a few pre- meal drinks before linking up with this Nigel at (what I was told was a VERY niche exclusive 'Posh' ex military veterans Club) Anyway ! I arrived at the pub and was greeted by my good friend where we clinked glasses, before heading off to this swanky 'POSH' private club...

Now brace yourself for this! (Cuz this is where the tale takes on a 'frightfully' bizarre twist!

Anyhow! my friend then text Nigel and told him that he would also be bringing me along to the very 'Posh' club for this booked luncheon, BUT, Little did I know, that my friend had ONLY just that minute told Nigel about my attendance, meanwhile at the time I was none the wiser what Nigel had said in his response to that Cuz my friend at the time chose to NOT say anything, fearing that it would ruffle my feathers and result in some sort of physical altercation.... (ah yes! my good friend Indeed knows me ALL too well! )

and so! this was the nub of it! The good old Eastender from a working class background...& a Salt of the Earth sort of character', was basically how my friend had described me to this new 'posh' friend of his, Nigel.

Allegedly, this esteemed Nigel then replied to my friends text, exclaiming: "Oh NOooo You cannot bring her along! This club is exclusively reserved for the elite, such as our good selves, my dear fellow.... definitely not for commoners My dear Chap!'' ( I suppose the Old saying is ''You can take the woman out of the East End, but you can't take the East End out of the woman''....

My friend had previously mentioned to me, a few stories about this newfound pal, and from what I gathered, Nigel seemed to be a huge fantasist Porky pie tale teller, a BILLY LIAR if you will, The stories were far -fetched and too contradictory to be valid, thus I promptly WARNED my friend from the beginning that this chap was NOTHING more than just a conniving amphibian who was a prolific scamming spinner of LIES. Despite Nigels haughty airs of grandeur, I firmly believed and KNEW instinctively, that he was some sort of fraudulent scoundrel, who more likely didn't own anything at all ( except for a PISS POT perhaps?)

We arrived at the club (however still no Nigel!) Rumour had it that he was stuck on a ''common'' London Transport Bus, which was still chugging its way through traffic But! fear not! for I'm sure that this grand gentleman shall arrive fashionably late? so, In the meanwhile we sauntered over to the bar to quench our thirst and indulge in some much-needed libations... as we waited for the arrival of the man himself-> NIGEL!.

Time is a-tickin' AND 'Nigel' is still nowhere to be seen, this 'fashionably' late scenario is fast losing appeal of acceptability (and is now resembling fucking downright rude behaviour on his part, for keeping us waiting so long!) My friend then gets a text from Nigel which says '' I'm en route so you Can Order me a Ceasar salad ... AND get a bottle of bubbly whilst you're at it'' My friend looks shocked by this and responds with ''O-k-A-Y, so I assume this will Obviously go on YOUR tab Nigel? (HOWEVER Nigel texts back with,

''NO, YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT ''... ( Nigels says his bank cards had been 'Compromised' and he declares that he basically hasn't got any money ( wow how convenient?)

We continue to bide our time having a few more drinks, yet nary is there a glimpse of the illustrious Posh Nigel who is nowhere to be seen....

After finishing our drinks, we made our way to the most luxurious chamber of the club. Once reserved solely for the most distinguished of gentlemen, this room now welcomes only the most refined and sophisticated of ladies ( but as far as Nigel was concerned 'I' Yes 'MOI' ME shouldn't be allowed in that room (Cuz I'm far too common for the likes of those Posh people who should be! (OR so Nigel reckons)

I'm by now feeling super hungry (& a bit on the wobbly side from all the drinks I'd had) My patience is wearing thin because we are STILL wait for this fucking bloke Nigel,to arrive!

Then a few moments later the notorious highfalutin Nigel makes his grand entrance. Well, well, look who decided to grace us with their presence? Yay! It's the 'infamous' Nigel himself! I have to say that My eyes were met with a sight that could only be described as eccentric. A fedora sat atop his head, perfectly complementing his aristocratic mop of (scruffy) hair . A multi-coloured scarf, reminiscent of the great Doctor Who, was wrapped around his neck, adding a touch of whimsy to his ensemble. He was draped in a luxurious velvet electric blue jacket. And in his hand, he carried a tote shopping bag, the contents of which were a mystery to all who beheld it.

I got up out of my seat and make my way over to Politely shake his hand (as yew do!)...However! in contrast to my welcome, his greetings to me was rather the complete opposite, and very unpleasant, .

Nigel Looked at my friend (who was sitting Opposite me) and he asked "Why is SHE here???" I did say to you didn't I, that commoners are NOT welcome here...''

I just stood there staring at him up and down from head to toe, and then launched into him '' You Sir, are nothing but a complete UTTER disgrace, and I mean a DISGRACE! Just take a good look at yourself ...you're nothing but a complete mess, Now tell me ''exactly'' how posh YOU are? You sir, have no dignity and not an ounce of decency about ya worth mentioning; I, have more moral fibre in my little finger than your whole god damn self put together, Now! get the fuck outta here you worthless scumbag OR I'm gonna be kicking your majesty's a$$ all the way out that door!''

(Meanwhile, My friend remained quiet during this whole altercation ( but afterwards agreed that EVERYTHING I had said had been completely justified).

Nigel, with his tail between his legs, then slunk out of the club...

After this bizarre showdown we left the 'Posh' club and decided to go to the Ritz instead for dinner and while that part of the day was most enjoyable THIS Nigel scenario was just soooooo out of the ordinary bizarre, that I felt compelled to write about it today.

Tuesday, May 2nd 2023

BENEATH THE BLACK VEIL!

Beneath the Black Veil

Obsessed with the color black and the concept of death. Can not hide my fascination with these two things! Obsessed with these two motifs that symbolize the journey of life! They are seriously inspiring and so relevant to my life.

Just received a message from someone today about how my ideology on this topic seemed to be quite depressing. OK, loves! I hear you loud and clear, and while I totally get where you are coming from, I personally find myself drawn to the mystique and allure of death. There is something so spiritual and profound about embracing the taboo and celebrating the beauty of it all. Who is with me on this?

I just love how thought-provoking and deep conversations about the concept of death can be. It is always a topic that sparks such interesting discussions and brings people together in such a unique way. I find myself constantly bringing it up at parties and social gatherings, and it never fails to get everyone engaged and sharing their own perspectives. There is been some confusion about my content lately, but I just wanted to clear the air and let you know that talking about death is actually something I am super passionate about! Do NOT worry, I am not being stifled by anyone or anything, So Let's keep the conversation going shall we?
Let us talk about Death! I mean, I can not help but use the most thrilling and captivating words when describing it. It is like a luxurious getaway to the Bahamas, am I right? But then, some people have called me an "Utta nutta" for it. Ugh, so unfair!

For me, death is as much part of life as breathing, fucking and eating quite frankly.

My fascination for this started at a very early age...Just reminiscing about the time my father opened up to me about his ulcerative colitis diagnosis in such great detail. #familybonding #healthawareness So, while most people would have been totally grossed out by this, I actually found it super interesting to hear all about my dad's debilitating condition! It was actually kind of a bonding experience for us!

I have a soft spot for the human body in all its unpredictable glory! My dear friends know that they can always count on me to lend an ear when they are experiencing any peculiarities such as unusual lumps and bumps, excessive fluid leakages, and even unexplained droppings and so forth, and I'm not saying this to show off in a braggadocious sort of way neither!, but I am always there to offer a listening ear when they feel too shy to speak to their doctor.

As a young Curious mere slip of a gal, I discovered my insatiable thirst for the exclusive knowledge typically reserved for medical professionals. My heart raced as I stumbled upon spine-tingling surgical videos, igniting a passion for the clinical path. It is no wonder I pursued a career in medical school!

I must confess, I have recently discovered my love for strolling through cemeteries. As a self-proclaimed "taphophiliac," I find visiting graveyards to be one of the most soothing and enjoyable activities. Reading headstones is also a passion of mine, and I am sure many of you can relate to the fascination of learning about those who have passed before us. I find it quite intriguing to peruse obituaries of complete strangers who have departed this world. It is fascinating to read through the heartfelt comments left by the departed's old friends, reminiscing about the good old days they shared. And yes, I do believe that my somewhat morbid fascination adds a certain depth and richness to my life!

my laptop browser is totally free of any smutty sex or dating sites. Keeping it clean and classy over here! #cleanbrowsing #classy #onlinerespect Oopsie! But every now and then, I like to indulge in some exposure therapy by browsing through websites where people share videos of peculiar places where human remains have been discovered. It is my little guilty pleasure! Just make sure to clear my browser history when I am gone, okay?

Monday, March 27th 2023

MY NEW HOUSE SLIPPERS!

I decided to search online for a new, stylish pair of house slippers because all the fluff in my current pair has gone completely flat. Despite the fact that my feet are very small and actually rather pretty I do however, have a corn on the right foot which gives me a bit of discomfort every now and then which is most unpleasant and feels like I'm walking on a chunk of concrete and because of that I sometimes shave/cut the top of the corn off using a pair of sharp scissors ( My mother has always told me to NOT use scissors as she said she knew someone who got Gangrene from doing it.....and of whom ended up having both leg and foot surgically amputated) I personally always thought that sounded a bit of an exaggeration ....but, there you go!

I soon discovered the perfect pair with these maroon paisley-patterned closed-in slippers with velcro straps which had me gushing and admiring how incredibly cushioned and comfortable they seemed. I was also thinking "Gosh, these slippers are really stylish too!" Without a doubt, I'll get those. Yeah, those chic fluffy cosy slippers are what I want. Oh mama, I'm going to feel like I'm ascending to heaven on a cloud

I was so excited with my purchase that I decided to look at ALL the reviews!!

But Then, after reading the following I realised pretty pronto that I didn't want the fucking things after all

Windsor resident Barbara

''They were perfect for my 96-year-old, somewhat fastidious mother, who loved them! Comfortable on top, strong heel, and simple to slip on!! Great!!''

Enid, from Yorkshire thought that-

''They have really Lovely velcro fasteners and nice firm soles...''

They are non-slip too, so I wear them outside to go to the Dustbin...''

so I have now purchased 10 pairs...

Lovely, Lovely!

Glasgow native Mrs. Dooley says

''They are ideal since they extend to fit swelling ankles for my 84-year-old mother''.

Excellent!!!!

Dierdre, a Londoner also says

Even though I'm in my late 70s, I still appreciate dressing extremely stylishly. These slippers seem really modern. Very snug! I can wear my slippers outside because they have great, sturdy undersoles. Absolutely smashing!

After reading all the glowing reviews, I reconsidered my decision to purchase a pair of these slippers and instead requested a refund. The slippers seemed to ONLY be enjoyed by very old women who had various afflictions like swollen feet, ankles, and other issues (which is OK, I think, and the slippers would probably be excellent), as they are also ideal for trips of going back and forth outside to the dustbin.

The fact that I am looking and choosing EXACTLY the same things that are popular among women whose age ranges from around 75 to 90 years old is evident that I am unofficially reaching my final senior years

Monday, March 6th 2023

A VISIT FROM THE MEN IN BLUE!

Oddly, I unexpectedly had a visit from 'The men in blue'...

Before that, I had been getting ready to go to a meeting, so I had a bunch of high heels and kinky latex undies and outfits strewn about the place. Being the "typical woman," I couldn't decide what to wear, so there were also a lot of scanty pants, suspender belts, kinky catsuits, and so forth lying around.

when there was an unexpected knock on the door...

I'm wondering who might be there ?

Again, there's another knock knock.

At first, I was under the impression that it was the strange Chap who lives downstairs because he is always knocking on the walls etc., (I don't know why he does it, but he does...)

I opened the door
It was 'The men in Blue'

"Well, hello, officers what can I do for you?'' I said

A request to come inside was granted (I didn't see any reason to refuse), and they entered the foyer they were obviously immediately surrounded by all my 'suggestive' apparel, In addition to that, I myself was also wearing an outfit that could be considered as quite risque; low-cut top, a cheap plastic costume bikers jacket (with the word 'Grease' across the back), skin-tight shiny pants (a imitation of Sandy from the Grease movie, in other words!), together with the necessary muvva fuckin' sky scrapin' heels. As the officers stood in my foyer I noticed this particularly racy lingerie ensemble which was hanging over my staircase bannister and so I quickly leaned up against it, trying to hide it with my right hand. I apologised for the general chaos that had descended upon them. Nevermind about 'WHY' they were there; I was more concerned about WHAT was on exhibit!

Then one of the officers said

''Don't worry, you're not in trouble''

I'm thinking... (You wanna bet'...

...Suddenly, I remembered that there was several framed photographs of me hanging from the ceiling in various enigmatic poses tied up in Yards of shibari rope that adorned the walls of my bedroom, So I'm thinking, "Oh, no, I pray they don't go in there!" ....with all this provocative stuff all around them Including the pair of BDSM-branded PVC pants that were lying on the floor a few feet away from where they were standing... In response, I declared (truthfully) that I was a "Bohemian Artiste."

It turned out that a neighbour had reportedly filed some noise complaint (not about me) but about 'somebody'...

and so, Inquiring minds now wanted to know my opinion...

Because of where I come from, my family history, and the way I was brought up, one of the things that was ingrained in me was to NEVER discuss the "happenings" of other people., especially if there was a possibility that they were in trouble or something similar....My father, who was, shall we say, a bit of a rogue, worked as a scrap metal dealer and was also what was known as a safe- key keeper for a London gang. At times he stashed explosives down the toilet (which was later used to explode bank safes and the whatnot),Therefore, I learnt early on to keep quiet about or withhold any information that could be considered as 'Sensitive' ( & especially not to someone wearing a uniform).

So, despite the fact that I don't get involved in the politics of my neighbourhood, I also don't participate in any kind of information exchange. Let's just put it that way.

Just before they left One of the officers asked, "So what do you do again?"

''As I've already said Officer, my actual title is "Entrepreneur Artiste"

''what kind of artistic thing do you do then?''

To put it simply, I went......'' hmmmmmmmmmmmmm......hmmmmmm''

They really put me in a jam, and my first thought was, "Damn it!" After that, I just blurted out.... ''In the past, I worked as a theatre actor, but! I've also got a few movie roles under my belt....''

''Really? Wow [The two officers then exchanged additional questions]

"Yeah?... so what movies were they?"

They seemed really interested, so I told them....

...''Well, a couple Bollywood flicks, and I was in The Muppets movie, actually," I mused, attempting to decide which films to donate....

...
One of the police officers asked, "Are you serious?" I responded with "Oh yeah.... for sure... yep" Yeah, yeah, those were probably the roles that brought me the most notoriety....umm.....Oh yeah...

... After closing the door behind them, I reflected on the situation...What in the name of all that is holy has this peculiar day turned out to be thus far!

Sunday, March 5th 2023

WESTERN SOCIETY IS FINISHED!

Last night when I was winding down for the night, I tuned into angel radio. It was the '40s theme, and I was lounging with my feet up with a glass of Bourdeaux in hand, listening to the wistful songs of that golden age. The lyrics were without doubt very romantic and wonderfully naïve at that time, which made them all the more endearing—if not a little tacky but Yet, then I fast-forwarded my thoughts to the present day and in comparison, my feelings got rather disheartened and disappointed.... that there is no romance anymore.... that the sentiment of this wonderful sense of....purity of innocence and moral fibre of value in society is gone.... and... gone forever...

Once upon a time it was like this:

...Tell me, my love, is there still a flame there?
Maybe only the lonesome remains of the spark we knew
Do I need to continue whistling in the dark?
serenade in blue...

You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Nature patterned you
And when she was done
You were all the sweet things
Rolled up in one

Now it's all like this:

"All the best to ya, Da Da ya wanna Watch yo mama now, go up and down till your jaw goes nuts! Shout me name, sweetheart, because I'm gonna trickle down your butt cheeks before you nut. make you wiggle before you giggle''...

In a nutshell, we've had it. Society is finished. End of. At least western society is finished….gone. Done with. Goodbye- finito The End

Tuesday, September 6th 2022

PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THESE MISERABLE SHOES

...If you ask me, these SAD SHOES tell a story...(and more than meets the eye!

Do you have any idea whose wearing these shoes? WHO they belong to?

I will give you a hint [These feet belong to a prince with red hair] Do you get my drift yet? Anyway! A few days ago, I was flipping through Vogue magazine and I zoomed in on this particular photo when I saw this!!!! .

These shoes must surely reveal some backdrop controversy that is taking place behind the scenes, right?
(and possibly even more than most people are actually aware of)

THOSE SHOES, in my opinion, are screaming out a message from the rooftops...So, What the hell is going on? like for instance- what is this Individuals current mental health status? (as well as the 'others' who are close to this person and this situation)

Why doesn't this person realise he's wearing rough shoes??? These shoes are so rough that they should be in a dustbin
After all, this is NOT some random Ol' commoner named Joe Bloggs

So What's evolving here? Surely there is something very wrong going on?...! OR is it just me? I mean is this some fashionable trend that I'm not aware of? Like is this a 2022 dirty shoes trend or something?.

These filthy, scuffed, and worn-out kicks look like they belong to some street urchin who has used super-glue to hold the soles together. I mean... if this Individuals other 'arf, was the selfless and caring person that she makes herself out to be, then surely she would suggest that he puts on some nicer shoes that don't make him look like some rough and tumble hillbilly hobo?

I mean 'why oh Why' Is he wearing such dirty horribly scruffy shoes here!!! Is it completely out of line for me to comment that THESE bloody monstrous things look like they were purchased from a Sue Ryder Oxfam charity shop which surely doesn't suit being featured in a high end fashion magazine?

Are these shoes 'a sign' that this person is exhausted? Exhausted from being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it ?

You are free to disagree with everything I have said here, but from where I am standing (and observing), I strongly get the impression that these feet are exuding misery

Wednesday, July 6th 2022

MY FIRST INTRO EXPERIENCE IN THE SEX INDUSTRY!

My very first customer as a Sex worker was an Incall for a Jamaican gentleman, who had requested that I prepare beans and toast for him whilst in the nude

He arrived as I was opening the tin of beans and putting the toast into the toaster (all while naked! ), and so he Plonked himself down on a chair at the kitchen table but then just sat there in this dopey sort of way- staring into space as I was busy beeing about, stirring the beans in the saucepan, & buttering the toast, when suddenly he seemed to sort of come to life and said "My oh my,... you do look as fresh as the morning breeze mummy'' (bear in mind he was in his 40's!)
Anyway, I set the plate in front of him, and immediately he began devouring the food like he hadn't eaten in days. He hoovered up the beans and continued crunching 'n' munching on the toast whilst then slurping and licking the fork until he had finished the entire plate of food, (which consisted of three slices of toast and an entire tin of beans) and during all of this, he didn't utter one single word...

At this time, I was pondering to myself, "bloody hell, this is becoming a bit strange," as I sat across from him at the kitchen table.

After licking his lips and rubbing his belly, he abruptly then let out a belch, stood up and said, "I'll go and grab a bottle of bubbly then shall I?" Oh, and by the way, many thanks for the beans on toast.
After that, there was a chilling silence that seemed to persist for what seemed like several minutes-I then said

"Oh gosh Yes, a bottle of bubbles would be wonderful, how kind of you!"
(Because I was inexperienced, I was (at the time) a bit naive, and as a result, I didn't even ask him for any money up front. He then went to acquire this "infamous bottle of bubbles," but he never came back.
This was my very first Incall and my first experience in Sex Work

Monday, June 27th 2022

SEX MOVING INTO NEUTRALITY-My Research!

As a part time Scientist researcher My latest study has been on the Extinction of Sex (as one knows it) and what it is being replaced with

And so as human expression of sex is becoming extinct I should inform you that it is being succeeded by electrical teritary sensation, which will be ignited via the bodys human wiring so to speak connecting to electrical outputs,. This human wiring is routed from the optical nerve in the eye, and so People will ONLY be able to connect and fuck through their eyeballs via anode currents routed from the optic nerve which is situated at the back of the eyeballs which gets connected to an external circuit ( a bit like a plug)

Just so we're clear, when I use the term "plug," you know exactly what I Mean don't you?
(not a plug used for a bathtub)
however, a plug used for an electrical outlet

What happens is this: As the pupil of the eye expands (from lets say seeing somebody that one is attracted 2 ), this will then send a jiggle and a wiggle to the external wiring (which, will be BTW- already hooked around your ear) this current then evolves a powerful surge to create climatic sound waves, which then deliver a mind blowing wobble to the crotch known as The ORGASM

...The type of orgasm experienced is all dependent on your financial status and where you are positioned on the wealth pyramid as that directly correlates to the amount of success you have. The Copper-insulated wire will ONLY be accessible in the main for purchase by those with significant financial resources, which means that only those with significant financial resources will be able to experience really gratifying sexual release

To explain further -The powerful surge of sexual release, depends on what quality of wiring you can afford. The copper (insulated) wire, will (or so I believe) will only be affordable for the upper tier of the privileged in society who will reap the most satifaction and Joy of this tertiary sex without interruption and wherever and whenever they want even if they need to release all day everyday 24/7 they will be able to do so.
However,

Unfortunately should you be on a tight budget then it's those folks who will have to 'make do 'with a few inches of springy stainless steel wiring, (available at 5 pence for 10 inches- so what You need to do is to work out how long you want this wire (bear in mind it hooks OVER the ear as well as does it need to have a bit of give for connection via the plug- as per already discussed) The problem is that the CHEAP wire does short circuit (& quite frequently), Plus it has a tendency to OVER SURGE aka overheat and so, if one wants to OVER INDULGE so to speak then the 'flow' of sex will (of course) be severely disturbed (and sometimes Unexpectedly
The stainless steel people will experience the following- wire sizzling, shocks from overheating wires - and BLOWN fuses ( similarities comparable to that of a firework sparkler),to put it in laymans terms!

Summary!
We are all aware that the global community favours a state of objective neutrality, thus it should come as no surprise that Sex is currently being phased out in favour of commercialised, electrically generated substitutes for human expressions of emotion.

Thursday, May 26th 2022

THE 'HONED' SKILLS OF A SEX WORKER!

It's called a Curriculum Vitae.

Of an Experienced and skillfully 'honed' sex worker

It's one thing to rack up the bucks but what gives me the pause are "the characters" you can run into along the way. I'd rather drop the buck than put myself 'at risk' ( I have a highly developed sixth sense and gut instinct, which I rely on extensively and has taken years of experience to understand the impeding importance of using such ) and believe me, I know what I'm talking about here because In the past as an inexperienced Sex Worker, I've found myself in more than just one or 2 hazardous situations!

Whenever I go on outcall for example, the very first thing I want to find out is: WHERE ARE ALL THE EMERGENCY EXITS???? I scout out the door access points and I am closely observing any door that is attempted to be LOCKED- I want to know 'why and how' it's locked and if by a separate key I will find out- and make a point of finding out WHERE that key is kept (IF -and should- I have to suddenly RUN AWAY from a customer) whether wearing just me pants (OR no pants) and of course grabbing my handbag, What kind of woman doesn't have an unhealthy obsession with the bag she carries? especially when it has got a bit of wonga inside it ! (I'd then run as FAST as my fucking legs could carry me and just keep on running, because the first thing is to GET THE HELL OUT of that room and OUT of the nearest emergency exit). I make it to the foyer wearing nothing but a pair of draws and hugging my handbag, I would immediately dash out the front door and hail a cab, despite the fact that any cab driver's eyes would immediately pop out (but that sort of thing is part of the job spec I'm afraid! (and it could (and has) been known to happen!

SKILLS

I'm a connoiseur at making rapid outfit changes in hotel lobbies (and lifts)
Expertise in all types of disguises' and au fait with hiding behind walls, Proficiency in effective whispering (so that my client's work colleague (who happens to be in the room next door) won't suspect that I'm there) and the ability to sneak in and out of places -Undetected- in other words -(like an undercover FBI agent) In addition to a huge array of other skills
The list is, to put it mildly, pretty exhaustive in its scope!
(and just thinking about how I've managed to accomplish all of this has made me feel even more exhausted)

Sunday, April 3rd 2022

The FIRST CLASS BIRD!

I was on a train from Brighton to London last week, when I spotted this chap in-between Haywards Heath and Gatwick Airport with his trousers around his ankles in a field, doing a shit

I wouldn't mind, but I had upgraded my ticket to go first class so to avoid the swarms of scumbags who seem to clog up the train onwards bound from Gatwick Airport
Anyway, I couldn't believe what I was seeing!... (I mean this is hardly the type of view one would expect from a first-class window is it?

It is most usual for me to travel first class so one can segregate away from the common ruffians and classless riff-raff type of commuters

However, it is nonetheless surprising the types of wannabee First classers who wangle their way into this sublime tier of travel without purchasing the appropriate ticket for this upgrade. On my recent last journey, I was sitting opposite this young fella who didn't look one iota like FIRST-CLASS material tbh. It made me wonder why the ticket inspectors hadn't boarded and inspected and neither noticed and thus chastised any bamboozlers who just wangle their way into the upper-class territory and plonk themselves down into the luscious velvet seats of the bourgeoisie section and then get far too comfortable when quite frankly they just do NOT belong there!

I mean this fella surely didn't look like he could afford an exclusive seat in this section of the train! I could just tell that this bogus first-class passenger was more second or even third-class type, but definitely NOT for this section of the train with its Luxurious headrest covers and extra square inch of leg space. I'm starting to fire up with irritation now so I then jolt his attention with a few short, sharp words...

"I hope you don't mind me saying this dear, but I paid for my seat and this is my space. I assume you are aware that this part of the train is reserved exclusively for ONLY the 'sophisticated individuals who can afford luxury travel I mean, are you aware of this? I'm not meaning to sound rude and obnoxious but You don't look like you belong here in first-class...I mean, look around you at the lace coverings on the headrests; do you 'actually' realize that you're in the first-class Compartment?"

This is my satirical story offering for today!