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Monday, March 18th 2024

March 2024

Hello

If you would all like to place bets on how long this blog will stay up before Hayley has a funny five minutes and deletes it, go ahead. You have two days.

I temporarily (?) fell out of love with blogging after all those years of typing my unfiltered thoughts onto the internet. Much of my university work at the moment, is “Hey, write a blog post not an essay!” So I figured trying to write a silly one here, might fire me up to write a dry one on corporate law.
I mistakenly assumed what studying law might be like, but so far I’m just getting another degree in how 2 rite gud.

I thought I might relay my recent adventures, through the medium of misleading sentences followed by explainers. Let’s see how we go.

The head was throbbing even before the viagra was taken. She knew in that moment she was going to get her guts rearranged tonight.
- I went on holiday with a bunch of girls last month. One of them gave me viagra for a laugh. I do not know how you guys take it. I’ve never been so ill and what could have been a foursome was only a threesome.

Three of them jostled for space around my open mouth. “Open wide” he said, “it may hurt a little”. “It’s too big, I can’t fit it in!”, she spluttered.
- I got my wisdom teeth out the other day. I am taking it easy this week, because I want to minimise stuff going in my mouth. Tried to eat a roast yesterday and found myself saying ‘Can’t fit that in my mouth” in the middle of a pub.  

She led him down into the basement, “This used to be the dungeon, I’m sure you’ll be spending a lot of time down here.”
- My old house in Portsmouth will be going up for sale again soonish. Any takers? I know the basement would make a lovely man-cave. I’m sure enough has happened there that I could get one of those little, blue, historical plaques!

It felt like my soul left my body as I submitted. Half dressed, hair tousled, I shook from head to toe. I had been tied up before, but never quite like this.
- Some of you think I’m avoiding you. I’ve just been away / touring and I’ve been studying two different courses that are very time consuming. A couple of weekends ago I drank so much caffeine when trying to submit essays that I had some kind of jittery, out of body experience.  

“I suppose it’s better to come second, than not come at all.” She lamented.
- Very flattered that you guys voted for me in the AW Accolades. The vibrator I got as a prize is cracking. I got some credits to spend on the AW shop too, ran to the door for the parcel, thinking it would be the new toys, but it was a little trophy that I wasn’t expecting. Adorable. I did say to my friend “Well I can’t fit that inside me, what a disappointment.” I did want AW to post a photo of me with a 4ft high crochet purple phallus, that someone very kindly made for me, but I defer to their wisdom in choosing to use a photo of me looking much more lingerie-d & youthful. Sex Sells, knitting does not.  

It was after midnight and she was tugging with all her might, but it just would not come. She used both hands and was contemplating using her feet as she wrestled with it’s thick, black girth. She had a desperate need for connection, but this was too much, nobody had warned her.
- I went up to Scotland about 10 days ago. Hired a Tesla because it wasn’t that much more than a normal car and I wanted to try an electric for the first time. The lady at Hertz did NOT tell me how to disconnect the charging cable. You had to get in the car and press two buttons on the screen, then get back out and pull it out. As I understood, at midnight in the Tesco Extra Car Park in Dundee, having had a tug of war, muttering obscenities about Elon, YouTube tutorials guiding me through.
The rest of my Scotland trip was good. A bit of social time, a bit of tourist time, and just working enough to cover costs. I do love it up there and will try to get back, when uni & college schedules permit.

- I can’t think of a silly sentence to start this one with…  
I have blocked a few people lately. It’s not been easy. But I’m very much of the mindset that life is too short, and I don’t want to spend it feeling stressed or ill at ease, if I have alternatives.
I’m sorry I’ve felt the need to do that, usually it’s been a slow grinding down. A tough battle between ‘I know he’s a nice person, but some of his behaviours are too much’.
I’ve applied a similar mindset to the rest of my life too. Everything that is stressful, I’m cutting it out and once I feel calm, I can start to add things back in again. Calmness is on the horizon but it is not here yet.

Hope you’re all well
See you soonish.
H xx