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 24 entries, showing page 2 of 2
Saturday, December 12th 2015
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Attack of The Clones and the Arse of a Badger
How I ended up rough as a Badgers arse this morning, i do not know.
I only popped over the road for a spraytan and my day simply unfolded in a way that was completely beyond my control.
Seriously I don't know where it all went wrong.
On my way home from the gym around 12, I inwardly scoffed at the plebs who were all out wearing Christmas Hats for their yearly state-approved hedonism and vowed to myself that I was absolutely not leaving my flat until the original Black Friday was well and truly over.
Cut to Scene Two and I'm in the middle of the City Centre around 6pm marinading in tan and now carrying a large bag of laundry (Clean) (I get other people to wash wool stuff) and a kind of ride on dinosaur thing....
The stress is rising and my mood descending further into HumBuggery
In fact I was mulling over in my mind how Attack of The Clones might actually be a true story.
I watched it the night before as I'm working up to the big release of The Force Awakens on the 15th (which I am much excited about!!!) and was arriving at the conclusion that we are all a bunch of clones as well.
It is the only explanation i can come up with that makes any sense of why:
in celebration of the birth of a Palestinian that didn't happen in December who is central to an ancient monotheistic religion we are out buying PlayStations and erecting Pagan symbology around the house and lying to children about a fat man designed by Coca-Cola who will bring them a load of toys if they've been good all year.
Ask any shopper why they are doing this and they won't be able to come up with a satisfying answer other than everyone else is doing it.
Nobody on this planet has had an original thought in centuries.
Anyway, I can hardly talk. I'm a clone myself.
I've got blonde hair, big tits, sparkly white teeth a fake tan. That's not exactly unique either.
But at least is helps pay the bills.
So where was I?
In the city centre with my laundry and a dinosaur in no mood to join the masses in their festive cheer but would ye Adam and New Year's Steve it if I told you where I ended up?
The Christmas Markets.
The wife messaged me and said she was on her way in with a friend to go to the Maya Angelou NI Poetry event in town and she loves the Christmas Markets for some reason so I told her I'd meet her there.
Also she's not really my wife but if I was going to have one it would definitely be her.
So because I love her I find myself traipsing around the markets swearing under my breath and generally being grumpy with my bag of washed woollens. And a fucking dinosaur.
You know I always assumed the Christmas Markets would be a load of shite but you know they were actually pretty nice!! Then I found the mulled wine stall.
Oh my Goddess.
That stuff is something else!! Halfway down my first one I'm ordering my second and next thing i know I'm as pissed as a fart on two polystyrene cupfulls of it. Literally within minutes of that stuff hitting my insides, all is well with the world and I'm in a wonderful mood!!
I'm wandering around singing along to the Christmas music and giving money to the homeless, filled with a joy that no amount of meditation and yoga has ever provided me with.
I even sat down on a park bench simply to take in the joyousness of it all.
Still didn't find the wife as of course being as how Id only nipped out for a spraytan I didn't have my phone out with me, just used the ipad for messaging earlier on the train.
Decided i didn't really want to go to Maya Angelou with a bag of laundry and no bra on (didn't want the tan ruined) so I thought I'd wander on to the train station....
Cut to the next scene, myself and a fellow comrade are in House of Fraser on the Veuve Clicquot where it all went a bit blurred from but I awoke this morning to find myself with two new handbags and a new coat wearing a jumper that says Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal!
Go Figure.

Wednesday, December 9th 2015
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Ever wondered if everything you have ever been told is a pile of shit?
From parents to preachers/preists, politicians.....
It's not like I'm going through some kind of 6th form rebellion, it's just that
I don't exactly represent what society might hail as a shining example of success.
It seems unlikely I'll get invited to my primary school to tell the kids that if they work really hard and believe in themselves one day they might turn out to be just like me!!!

And while I'm really happy doing what I do it does bother me how I
have been judged.
And I have been judged, I'm not being all "Only Hooker in the Village" about this but I
will keep the examples of ignorance I could share to myself rather than make a point.
We all know how stupid people can be.
Don't we?
But recently I have begun to suspect something.
When I look at those who did everything they were supposed to do, you know all those
things in The Game of Life;
Go to school, learn how to be an employee, become an employee, marry someone sensible, take a vow of celibacy (lol), get a mortgage, have children, slowly die.
Or maybe they live happily ever after but it doesn't seem that way to me.
Maybe it's actually more fun being me.
Why is sexuality so oppressed?
I mean, I can't imagine anything more utterly soul-destroyingly boring than being with one person for the rest of my life; but my beliefs in polyamory aren't anything new so I took it up the next level.
And I started to think, why are we told to stay still?
We are constantly evolving, living and dying from moment to moment, why should
our surroundings reflect what we thought and who we were decades ago?
Because that's all our surroundings are really.
Why can't
we just keep moving forward or expanding like everything else in the universe? Why are we encouraged to stay still and stagnate? It's completely unnatural!
But then I discovered Osho.
And it was like....
I don't know how to say it without it sounding cheesy.
It was like when you fall in love, when you just need one person in the world
who will make you feel valid and you find that person.
Osho is like that.

That why I haven't been on here for about a week, I can't stop reading.
I have literally
been under a duvet not giving a shit about anything other than reading Osho.
I suggest everyone stops what they are doing and reads Osho then we
can all live in the liberated state of simply not giving a flying feck.
The opinions of others are a very silly thing to base ones life on.
Be happy

Thursday, November 26th 2015
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The Satan Sippers
I think I mentioned the Starbucks Christmas Cups on a previous post before they became the centre of a huge American Christian Controversy!
Go and Google this is you have not heard of this yet. The gist of it is because Starbucks have opted for a minimal Red Christmas Cup that does not include the words "Merry Christmas" on it a mad pastor has deduced from this that Starbucks hate Christmas therefore Starbucks hate Jesus. He is rallying those who love Jesus to go in to Starbucks and when asked name they should write on the side of their cup they should say that their name is "Merry Christmas" in order to outwit the Satan Loving Starbucks and teach them they ain't gonna keep Christ outta Cristmas any time soon dammit!!! . I swung by there yesterday on my way back from the shops for some much needed caffeine and a bit of iced ginger loaf and found myself engaging in a bit of childish humour just to keep myself amused....
Thursday, November 26th 2015
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Manifestation Mantras and the Beautiful BlackBobby
Ive actually been totally heartbroken of late.
Hard as you may find this to believe, I got dumped by my most
dearly beloved :-( :-( :-(
After making a tit of myself a few times and generally engaging in the behaviour
of a woman scorned, you know drunk dialling, stalking...that kind of thing , which didn't
make him rush back to my arms funnily enough, I decided enough was enough
it was time to wise up and let go.
So, I came to Aberdeen as I really do like it here.
It's kinda cosy and quiet, I'm comfortable in the apartments I stay in and I like to buy nice candles, get a massage and nurture myself when I'm here, as all Sex Goddesses do.
I've gone a bit New Age recently and thought I'd try some manifestation meditation for the craic.( I'm probably a little mad and susceptible right now)
I imagine it might have been a bit confusing for the other occupants of the building actually, I think one or two ladies like myself may also enjoy it here, you get to figure out the signs after a while , but the noises eminating from my apartment would have been very different from the noises that were coming from theirs.
Think Ek Ong Kar mantra trying to vibrate your bundh locks down in the lower chakras like a resounding Bong and you still won't have a clue how mad it sounds . I was um, practicing along with a YouTube instructional video with some guru who promises that if you just practice the mantras the universe will take care of all my needs.
As I say I'm probably a little vulnerable so I said to myself fuck it, what harm can it do?
Wait til you hear what happened next !!!
After exchanging a text or two as is normal in my working day ,
my doorbell rings
I buzz them in
I open my door
I swear to God, standing before me is the most beautiful black man I have ever laid eyes on holding a large bunch of roses and a bottle of champagne !!
Heh heh!!!
I am literally like, Holy Shit have I just manifested you?
But wait, it gets better.
In he comes, this man is really beautiful by the way, and begins to present me with MORE things he's unloading from a bag.
Roses because you are a rose he says, champagne, chocolates, an M&S gift voucher and wait for this, l'Occitine Almond body oil. This was the final blow for me, I LOVE all things almond. Especially croissants.
He says this is the most amazing oil , I use the strawberry one, your skin will feel amazing.
I just about died then and there, not only was he beautiful but he smelled and tasted of strawberries. I'm just about passing out at the memory here.
Bearing in mind I arrived heartbroken and dejected this was a pretty fucking extraordinary turn of events. Sometimes I just love being me.
Strawberry , chocolate, vanilla swirl......... Heh heh!

(I normally wouldn't refer to a persons race when describing them but he goes by BlackBobby on here so if he's ok referring to it then I gather it's ok for me to.
And besides, I ask you! What woman wouldn't be cheered up by a bit of black cock, never mind all the added extras that came along with him? )

I seem to have turned into a bit of a man when it comes to visuals.
Don't get me wrong, I love sex, I love all kinds of sex, I love heart-centred connected sex, I love sex just because it's fucking filthy, I love role play, I love threesomes , I love women , I love all of it really but i have never really got off on someone simply because they're beautiful. If I'm honest it's a bit of a turn off if I think someone spends hours in the gym. My idea of beauty isn't a man with a six pack.
But I've gotta tell ya , I've recently got off fucking some beautiful creatures just because they're beautiful.
Is that bad?
They gave really good head too tho.

Wednesday, November 4th 2015
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I decided not to go to yoga this morning and instead I have sneaked back under my duvet with my laptop and a coffee as it's been far too long since I have connected with my fan base, I'm sure you are all frantic to hear what's been going on and I have much excitement to share!

Also I rather enjoy the feeling of doing something naughty like opting for coffee rather than kundalini yoga. To tell you the truth I wasn't getting much out of the class anyway. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but I thought at least there'd be some chanting and levitating. Kundalini is all about releasing some kind of spiritual snake that lives in our pelvic area, once you do that you're supposed to become some sort of Fire Goddess or something (which of course I am already but you want to keep that kundalini energy stoked don't you? )
Anyway, I was a little disappointed to find a room full of women the upper end of middle aged and believe it or not I was actually the youngest person there; while this was great for my ego I didn't feel too inspired never mind in touch with any pelvic snakes.
The teacher was pretty hot tho, she'd some set of abs on her.

So it has been Glamour Glamour Glamour for me over the midterm break!!!
My journey began at Belfast Docks where I took the ferry to Stranraer then schlepped my way across Scotland. As usual i left flights till last minute, I'm not known for my organisational skills and they were a bloody fortune with the school holidays and all that.
So I opted for the £29 Sail and Rail which always seems like a good idea at the time, but believe you me when you're stuck on a boat with what sounds like 290 children for over 2 hours you'll be wishing to God you'd given any amount of money just to get a flight.
Never mind.
The MegaBus to Aberdeen was actually alright. I did notice how things became more and more "Scottish" as I headed that direction. Er, I think i was going further North but I can't quite be sure without consulting a map.
I was pretty happy to find there were plug sockets which is always a joy to find as I never have charge. I don't think anyone does. We just carry around portable landlines these days. So I was able to plug in the whole way there. When I got to Aberdeen I of course realised I hadn't actually flicked the switch but that's besides the point.
I read the new Nick Horny novel on my way and I loved it so much I have forgiven him for the time he went all "Blokey Sentimental" and wrote something about a load of songs in chronological order. Christ.
I cannot stand that Sentimental OCD male stuff.
Puts me in mind of a boyfriend I had who stored all his CD's in alphabetical order, the right way up both inside the box and outside of the box.
And there's that other twat who brought out some more male stuff around the same time, Mike Gayle ; think he wrote about a toothbrush or something and how he's just a bit thick and that other feckin eejit who gets all sentimental and writes about raising children on his own and his wife either running away to Hong Kong or dying in Hong Kong, something along those lines.....
So yeh, Nick Hornby has finally written something quite decent.
I couldn't relate to any of the content yet it was just lovely to read and I didn't want it to end.
I was enjoying reading it until a lady in her sixties got on in Dundee wearing an Arran Cardigan and decided to sit next to me. She didn't seem to notice I had my face in a book and immediately begun to regale me all about how some relative or another didn't come to meet her at the Kelpies.
"Have ye been tae the Kelpies?" She sez
Sez I, "Um I'm not sure what that is, isn't that a dish made of mince and potatoes or something?"
"It's two big statues of horses...." She sez,
Sez I, "That sounds amazing"
She starts fishing around in her handbag and gave me a flier of the Kelpies which wasn't very informative because I still have no idea what the Kelpies are or why I should go to Dundee to visit them.
Anyway, i told her not to worry everybody's relatives are assholes and whilst she continued to tell me about her brother who never goes out of the house the discomfort of my underwired bra was getting the better of me so i reached round my back to unclasp my bra.
She sez, Ock!! Isn't it a nighmare , I got a lovely bra in Ann Summers and I had to give it away , bloody 15 pound it was too....
Somehow this led to her telling me about a man she met on Plenty of Fish who turned out to be an asshole and she doesn't understand why her friend has a man because she's so fat she can hardly walk and she can't meet anyone decent.
Told me she met a man who wanted to take her to a hotel for sex but she said she'd never been so insulted in her life!!!
I said, so you didn't fancy it then...?
No, the ditrrrtyy bugger!!!
I had to laugh when she asked me if I went on any dating sights.
What would I tell her?
I sort of go on dating sights but they're a little different but not really all that different.
Anyway, good luck to her on Plenty of Fish.

Got to my apartment on Charlotte Street which was relatively hassle free, I was thrilled to find it was two streets away from John Lewis which I was so excited about because we aren't allowed a John Lewis here in Northern Ireland. I think the DUP probably has something to do with this.
Probably thought it was a threat to our way of life, people might start enjoying themselves looking at nice furniture and big huge tellys....
I spent a lot of time wandering around here , I like to get out and about but honestly I feel a little depressed now because I don't have a £3000 sofa.
I think it's best to focus on feeling grateful that I'm not a refugee in a tent in Calais than to wander round John Lewis. All things are relative.

I think I'll end here as I have much to do, I might be back later to talk about the Russian Beauty Salon I discovered around the corner.
Got myself a massage in there with a lady who did not fuck around. She got the sleeves rolled up and got stuck in there with vim and vigour.
Jaysus, she got in there with her elbows and everything.
"Parrrfull" job she did. Couldn't believe it, she was actually sweating and panting for breath she put so much effort into beating the shit out of me, It was Propper!!! We were there nearly an hour and she only charged me £18!!!
I felt kind of bad, if you're going to put in that kind of effort you'd want to be paid more than that!
I was there pretty much every day getting my hair blowdried. Didn't like to ask her for another massage in case she thought i was taking the piss.....
I have since seen two different chiropractors on my return but that's another story for another day.
Ciao for now.

Friday, October 23rd 2015
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Get yer Sexy On
I admit it.
When I'm at the gym I check myself out in the mirrors.
Doesn't everyone?
I'm as self-critical as the next woman and usually I'm pissed off that I don't have
any self-control when it comes to nice things like wine and chocolate and stuff but today I have to admit I thought I looked kinda sexy! You know that feeling when you've been working hard in the gym and one day you check yourself out and think.... actually I'm looking pretty fucking hot today.
It's a GREAT feeling so today I have Got My Sexy On with Bells On!!!
Feeling so awesome, Im not even freaked out that House of Fraser have their decorations up, in fact I think they're quite pretty....
Beaux Avenue has opened!!!!
Is it a coincidence that I'm here feeling g all sexy and have discovered that a new lingerie shop has opened???
Must dash......

Tuesday, October 13th 2015
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Study me as much as you like, you will never know me,
for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be.
Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself,
For I have chose to dwell in a place you cannot see.

- Mevlana Rumi in Divan of Shams i Tabrizi -

At the risk of disappearing entirely up my own ass here, I read this poem this morning and have been ahem, ruminating (like what I did there?) on it all day.

The thing is, so far this is just an image.
An image that I don't even really connect to that much.
Sure, it's a part of me and we all have so many aspects of ourselves but on here the parts of us that we'd prefer to remain anonymous get to come out and play.
I kept it that way as adding a voice to an image leaves less room for you to project whatever it is you need to at the time.
That's what this is about, after all.

I guess I get to play here too tho.
And that's been interesting.
I know this image does get studied and that's not a narcissistic statement,
I know because I did the research.
I'm just not sure why.
Isn't the Internet full of tits and ass?
You can pull down all kinds of mad shit and look at it but I'm sure you don't need
me to tell you that....
I always thought that out and out members of such a stigmatized profession wouldn't really be thought about that much; once the desired hit of dopamine wore off that wouid be it but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
Go figure, eh.

This probably isn't the right platform for me to share my analysis paralysis after drinking too much coffee and thinking too much but there ya go.
But until I find an appropriate outlet....
It's been wonderful connecting again.

Goodnight Fanbase
I love each and every one of you

Tuesday, October 13th 2015
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Teeth and Tits Baby
Alright I think I'm finished with the deep thinking. I love this time of year!!!
It's my absolute favourite time of year, I want to go shopping for new boots, red lipstick, autumn colours, even Starbucks have an Autumn cup I've noticed!!
I think this is new.
Even tho I'm more of a Nero girl now, I do experience a teeny smidgen of joy when I see the red Starbucks cups come in for Winter.
Actually it's probably a disproportionately huge amount of joy but it's the simple things in life isn't it.....?

Don't you just want to be in New York right now?
I do!!!
I am a total girl!!! Call me shallow but I really like....things.
Sparkly things!!!
Anyway, sadly I'm not going to New York any time soon unless I get whisked off or something but I am going to take my tits for a spray tan tomorrow.
I usually hate the stuff, I think most men hate it too but I might just do something that requires a nice "frock" at the weekend and I'm far too busy being fabulous to get under a sunbed.....
(I also really can't stand the staff in the sunbed place near me and even tho I'm far too young to concern myself with premature ageing of my skin, who needs it?)
Spray tan it is.
I am going out!!!!

Tuesday, October 6th 2015
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Hey-O !
Sending out a Hey-O to you people out there on Internetland,
I'm toying with the idea of being a bit more friendly on here...
I'm curious....
Who are ye's ?
And are there enough of you to fund my lifestyle on a tropical island somewhere ?
I was rather surprised by some nice people getting in touch with feedback after I took down all my pics in a bit of a huff and then i kinda got ta thinkin.....
Maybe I should, I dunno.... connect.
Since you're out there.
I don't need anyone to lovebomb me and tell me I'm fabulous, I already know it; but please do give me a shout.
Talk to me.
We'll call it a connectivity experiment for now.

I found some pics I had from during what appears to be a house move of some sort. Seems I got a bit trashed and trashy and decided to cavort about on a table instead of packing boxes. In the interests of having something on here that I'm not bored to tears with I thought I'd fire on a couple just for the craic.
There appears to be a load of them from this particular occasion on my camera roll here, but they do get even trashier....
Shall I post some more?
I kind of want to edit out some of the background stuff tho and I'm shit at that kind of thing....
I await with curiosity your response.
Goodnight for now, Potential Internet Fanbase or PIF if you like . xxx

Friday, October 2nd 2015
Previous Entry 
I don't usually pay much attention to what my profile looks like,
I'd always get people showing up and saying ,
"Wow you look way better than you do in your pictures"
(blatant self promotion alert) which was always strange to me as I thought they were alright.
Anyway, someone finally told me that my mugshot verification picture has been up here which was pretty brutal, I always thought it was hidden to be quite honest so I'm pretty mortified! :-(
(We can all look brutal on a bad day, I don't care if you're Pam Anderson);
So anyway, I got round to actually looking at what i had on here and decided that i hate all of them so I'm taking them all down and working on some new ones!

Stay tuned, I'm feeling sexy

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