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Saturday, March 18th 2023

Not all it seems..

It was 2006.

I’d find myself single again after a tragic ending to a 3 year marriage…

For 5 years, I was whoring it up, earning the cash in hand for being on my knees on the best carpets in Hampshire. I was also working with learning disabilities teenagers so some might say I was living a double life, nothing unusual I’d say..

I ran 9 miles a day in sun, rain and hail and had a wonderful circle of friends who I spent many a night with trying to order more alcohol at 4am..

Then I met.. HIM. Looking around on a dating site with no intention of contacting of of these poor suckers.

Suddenly, I was on a date and for 6 months we became conjoined twins, the all powerful love and infatuation and fantastic sex. I stopped escorting the night I met him.. I never told him about my shady sex past and never would..

Till I had Tequila..

I came in from walking home at 1am with my old school friend. I had watched her meet and hook up with some couple from friend finder and had walking home warm in the Tequila, love and sex era.

I called him; I insisted on telling him my dark and murky escorting past and believe me, I told him it was years ago. He told me his secret… he had been accused of murdering a man. I felt closer to him, like we both had a past and mine was safe with his.

I should have known better…

Fast forward to new year and I am locked in my bathroom. Locked into my own bathroom, a safe place the police said, find a room with a lock. I was sitting on the toilet, in my fluffy onesie I have received for Christmas. Dressed like an animal while I heard the police cars pull up and arrest the holder of the secrets.

We had had the best of all nights, he had brought me warm apple jack while I bathed. We had spent the night celebrating with my school friends and their families. We had danced at midnight and got into shopping trolleys waiting for the taxi to arrive..

Now I was sitting damaged, my house was damaged and he was in the back of a van for the second time that evening.

A long with the damage was the realisation that just because someone says your secret is fine, doesn’t always make it so. Months and months of him digging up my old photos, profiles, making up email addresses and trying to catch me in a lie.

There was no lie, I was working at a Psych hospital and leading a boring life, doing my degree and driving a crappy Corsa. Where was all this money he thought I was making? I couldn’t afford Primark never mind Prada.

In that moment of brokenness, my teenage son called me, to wish my happy new year… no… screaming down the phone about my photos on FB. This guy had posted all my old photos on his profile, tagged all of my family and friends. My mum, my children who were all late teens at the time.. added my address for his friends to come and see me.. Now, this was not illegal then. He broke no laws. I could do nothing. I had to beg this man to take them down. Call the guy who had broken me physically, emotionally and mentally all in one night. Beg him to take them down.

My son intervened.. told him ‘this is my mum’ … Heartbreaking doesn’t cover it..

I will never share this secret again, if I choose to leave this business again for a man.. which I will not.. it will be a secret in my head forever...

Friday, March 17th 2023

Are escorts and cam girls struggling?

I just caught a twitter from an American sex worker and made me want to just write a quick blog.

As I have said a lot I started escorting around 1999/2000. I did visits and charged exactly what I do now. Work was over flowing and I didn't have time to do the amount of work I had. Fast forward to 2013, I stopped working till 2018.

Again, it was the same thing; I worked for an agency for around 6 months and then back working for myself. Business was busy, of course I had the same slowness on certain months and certain weeks but overall, still more work than I could do.

When Covid started to hit I was still working at the hospital and so got stuck because my bf at the time would have not seen me for 2 years as he cared more about Covid than his gf in all avenues so I just sat at home. I had a couple of lovely regulars who supported me money wise but that was it.

Since Covid has subsided we are now stuck in another hell of rising prices and jobs not paying for the level of expertise they expect.

On Twitter, all the cam girls appear to be struggling yet escorts still seem to be stuck in the 2000s with that attitude of

Nooooooooo, I am sooooo busy, I am seeing 20 men a day and they are paying me hundreds or I am soooo exclusive, I only see one man a day and he pays me thousands.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have been told for years that girls DO NOT EVER discuss being slow or broke. BUT, in this season of EVERYONE in the world struggling, I find it hard to believe our business is not being affected. It doesn't matter how stunning you are, body type etc etc.

The reason I bring this up is because I worry for girls who are struggling and looking at other girls lying and keeping up the pretense that they are raking in money. Also, I have read articles saying girls are turning to sex work to pay their bills because there is still the illusion that escorts are still earning thousands just for wearing a matching bra and knickers set. This is simply not true.

Most girls who are still earning well are not just escorting. They are doing other things that I can't say because this site wont let me post it. They have clients who they have been seeing for years. Long term loyal clients.

I have a friend who escorts and she doesn't have that client base and is seeing maybe 2 clients a week.

We are all in this together, if clients are struggling, the providers will also be struggling. It makes sense. I would love girls and guys to open up a conversation around this and it is a shame there isn't a thread board on this platform.

My email is always open for girls, any time who are struggling on weeks. I will never lie and tell you I am busy if I'm not

Lets get some good karma going and support each other x

Monday, March 6th 2023

Out and About..

I have been a bit of a jet setter over last few weeks and decided to drive to Edinburgh to visit a previously seen client who has moved there and a few others in a tour like situation.

I had a delightful mosy up there stopping at Knutsford for the night and travelling on to a central hotel over looking a park and a Primark! While I was there I had a long look around the grey fryers Kirk yard and the spooky underground vaults. I had a wonderful time and my client met me and took me to a lovely vegetarian restaurant and a cocktail bar after. I felt totally spoilt and it was a much needed getaway.

Last week, I took an actual total rest and flew to Copenhagen to see Louis Capaldi at the Royal Arena and soak up some culture. There is a place for sitting by the pool, but my favourite holidays are the soaking in of other people's way of life and this place really was something.

The public transport really was second to none and with a Copenhagen card you could go on all public transport. We got trains and the metro everywhere and it was so well thought out. Everything was clean, well sign posted and covered 99 zones. I really enjoyed travelling the Metro all day and they came every 5 mins so you were on your way without waiting ever.

We visited the History museum which was huge like ours and the medical museum which had body parts in jars and lots of babies! The Zoo was great and I met a panda which was so exciting. I also had the best veggie burger of my life.

Louis Capaldi was brilliant and I managed to spend 40 quid on wine!

Anyway, I will definitely be going back when it is warmer as it was snowing when we left and bitter!

Next stop will be Italy but lets get back to work for now x

Tuesday, January 31st 2023

Kent Tales, where it began

When people ask how I got into this job and why I stay in it.

I moved to Kent In 2002, previously I had worked for an escort agency in Portsmouth and it gave me a great start in the escorting world.

Lets roll back.. why was I in Kent? I’d like to say I was making lots of cash and ruling the world but actually, I was a typical Gosport girl who didn’t come from a typical Gosport childhood. I was brought up in a 4 bed, double garage, 2 car home. But I involved myself in the fruitier side of life in the council estates being around drugs, under*ge sex, back room tattoo shops and loving close families. I needed to escape my own shit.. I was running, far away…

I had met a man who offered me the world.. now this man is still in my life and I have to point out I owe this man a lot. He took on and brought up my 3 children and would still do anything for me so I am not bashing him in any way. I was in my 20s a force to be argued with. I was damaged.

I worked in social care during the day earning terrible money and away from my kids doing 24 hour shifts. It wasn’t long before I was sitting in D*wn’s dining room seemingly in the middle of a kids birthday party or some such. She owned a beautiful old Victorian home in Strood, I looked around at all the wood floors and rich colour walls until a puppy bounced in; a child..another child.. and in walked this beautiful woman. Not beautiful in the traditional sense but refined, red head. I imagine in a pencil skirt and heels but I don’t know if that is accurate. I do remember she wore a beautiful gold charm bracelet.

She owned an agency but I have blanked the name oddly. It was crystal or diamond or some such. I had an interview of the usual questions.. was offered those weight loss drugs that make you shit yourself and then I left LOL She wrote some books on the subject anyway if you want to make her some cash LOL. This I would say was the start of my ‘proper’ escorting career. Back in Portsmouth I only worked enough to put clarkes on my kids feet but meeting Dawn turned me into the ‘high end escort’ that is portrayed by our Billy Piper.

I love the thought of those escorting days! Before the internet ruined it. The paper adverts. I remember sitting at Dawn’s kitchen table while she counted the girls money. It was £150 per hour and £50 was Dawns. So, believe me, in the early 90s there were a lot of 50s to count LOL The whole farmhouse wooden table was covered in vibrant colours of 50 and 20 pound notes. Some needed cleaning off as a suspicious white substance clung on for dear life. Obviously, mostly the 50s because rich Kent business men would never snort with 20s.

It was glamorous, Dawn treated her girls like friends, she had birthday and Christmas parties at the Vault in Rochester. It was like living in a film… I wonder where she is now..

Friday, January 27th 2023

Kent Tales pt2.

I had a client back in the early 2000s. Physically, I don't remember a lot about him, but I do remember he lived in the most beautiful house with big Victorian fireplaces in every room. It was like a Victorian cottage with wood floors and small rooms. I also remember the parking was a bloody nightmare. He booked 2 hours every other week and I enjoyed his company but...

There was something about him..

He always looked like he had had a rough night, a bit unwashed if you like.. like he's been up all night drinking absinthe.

The last time I met him, I was wearing a black pencil skirt, sky high heels and my saddle bag at 10am in the morning. I'm really feeling myself and I knock and enter as usual. He was slumped in his leather chair in front of the TV and was drinking red wine. At 10am on a week day. Now I was in my late 20s and had zero education of Psych and mental health like I do now apart from a shitty A level in Psychology which taught me about Pavlov's dogs and a Skinner box. Both unhelpful..

I ended up feeling like i'd turned up at a funeral in a giraffe costume as he regaled how his wife had left him, he had spent all their savings on whores (ME) alcohol and gambling.. He had the wood fire on and I was melting but too scared to move as he looked like he was about to either end himself in front of me or end us both. I ended up there about 4 hours and I am pretty certain I didn't help his situation one bit. I collected my fee and left at the first safe opportunity..carrying my shoes in one hand.

I think I cried all the way home with a sense of extreme shame for being part of this man's problem and fear that he could have killed me or himself. I called my then husband at work, he didn't understand my flurry of tears.

Now, I feel I should point out the different culture back then. Escorts kept their mouth shut at all costs, we were like a church or an AA meeting. My attitude is different today but my tool box is different today.

I have no idea how this guy's story ended, I hope he sorted it out. I never heard from him again.

Thursday, January 26th 2023

The rubber man

I was thinking about how narrow my escorting life has become now I am 48 and it made me think about when I was in my late 20's, and how my escorting style has changed. I know with 100% certainty that I was pretty basic compared to now. I was taught by the agency owner that you don't kiss, you don't reveal your name or life in any way. When I left the agency, I completely changed. I set up my website and worked on my own terms.

One of the guys who sticks out in my memory is a guy called Peter. I was pretty adventurous back then. If someone had a kink I wanted to know it. Peter was a man in his 70s. He had a white beard and such a kind face. When I think of him, I picture my bedroom in Kent like it was yesterday. The wood floors and the full wall of mirrors.

He booked half an hour and he always gave me crisp ironed £50 note which I still detest. Don't give me £50 notes!!!! He looked like an nice gentle blow job man, a quick on top, conversation and off type man..

He came to my room, asked me to strip naked and opened his carrier bag producing a green silk coat and laid it lovingly on the bed. Ok I thought, weird but ok.. He turned me and laid me on the coat and I remember it being the coldest feeling, laying on this material naked, I quickly realised it was rubber lined. The weird smell of rubber like wellies. I slipped my arms in the sleeves and he zipped me up. Now, Peter had a surprising big penis and he was the first client I orgasmed with just with his cock. I think he started my kink for old men lol

Peter ended up buying me a variety of different rubber coats (had to be a coat) and I saw him up until I moved back to Hampshire. I still have the coats in the attic and I can't imagine I will ever wear them again. I wonder if he is still enjoying girls in rubber, be interesting to know...

Friday, January 13th 2023

Happy new year

My feet are so itchy, they are on fire!

I have looked at so many properties in my home town and my family there are recommending towns and villages to move to and as is my nature I just want to pack up and disappear forever. Deep inside my DNA, I have the need for change and to seek out new experiences and new people while also holding an envy for people who marry young and still are happy 30 years later. My spirit is so free I levitate and need someone to pull me down! I need a camper van to explore the country and love every second of nature, get rid of all chattels apart from what goes in my van. My body needs to catch up with my mind or I will be a helium balloon slipping its owners small hand and billowing off in the wind.

I have spent so much time wondering why no man has ever wanted to capture me, to put me in a jar and admire me and now at 47 I realise that the ones that let me go probably loved me the most. I will never be what is required for a successful relationship as it is just not possible. I am a hummingbird, I collect just enough nectar and then I fly away.

When I hear of sex workers dating clients and marrying them etc it is alien to me. It is nothing personal, it is not because you are ugly etc I just don’t easily get attached to people. Don’t get me wrong; I have a loved one person, someone I thought was my soul mate but he most definitely not only wanted to a jam jar to put me in but one of those boards that you pin butterflies to lol Sometimes people think they have trapped a beautiful Red Admiral and they open their fist and it is a brown moth.

Monday, July 18th 2022

Diary of a Pansy Pink cam model

I feel like I have two alias now as I have become a Rose and a Pansy in the adult world. Both beautiful flowers and so I try to live up to their beauty.

I have been camming on Adultwork for around 3 years and I know I have shared my thoughts on camming on previous blogs. Compared to escorting, camming on this site is a little soulless, vacuous if you will. You sit in front of the laptop waiting for someone to click your profile and then once they get a look at you, they click off or they ask you to do the same thing the last 50 men asked you to do as quickly as possible.. rarely any conversation .... Now, I am not saying it is all like that, I have met some lovely men and had some lovely times but mostly it is cheap skates trying to get a cheap wank.

Now, my motto in life is rather than complain about shit, you have to change it so I did.. Never continue on with something that no longer makes you happy..

So, I followed a few cam models on the tube and I researched some sites that only did cam girl stuff rather than it being a sideline.

So, I started on a Friday morning; these sites are like LIVE, you click stream and you are live till you log off. You chat in guest and then go to private or exclusive to be paid for services and let me tell you it was the best time of my life!!! Now, I am totally open about the ADHD thing and well aware I am an acquired taste and talk a lot, curse a lot and generally don't care much for others opinion of me and this stream was made for me!! I made more in the first week than most make in a month interacting with the loveliest people both in the UK and USA mostly but all over the world. I have beautiful pictures of Taiwan from a native there that I'd never have had.

People tip you just for smiling, being funny, moving into different positions, tip from your gold menu and let me tell you; The lush 2 is the greatest toy ever invented!! I am a lover of the vibrating toy and having tips for a 5 sec vibe is bloody great!!

Now, having said all this it will never replace escorting because it is proper human interaction but at the moment my time for that is pretty limited with other commitments so camming is perfect compromise. I'd love to see adultwork level up to a proper cam site and look after their girls instead of just their clients but doubt that will ever happen!!

Right, gorgeous people, it is 24c already here and it is 08:30 so I fully intend to enjoy the sun till I am back on the cam at 10pm xxxx I love you all xxxx

Wednesday, June 15th 2022

Being the ex sugar baby

Oh baby, I am 47 and every day is a learning day...

Let me tell you a story.. the story of a kept woman.. a woman who fell for the line..
I'm not sure who burned who and feel free to email me with your opinions..

Now, lets go back to pre-covid, I was popping in my career. I was working hard in this industry escorting and camming and loving life both as a sex worker and in my life and then covid happened.. Everything happened and I was left vulnerable to a person who seemingly had deep pockets and wanted nothing but to protect little old me and pay my bills..

I did cam with this man when we were not allowed to see people and as it went to bubbles, he wanted to be my bubble and he paid for me time as normal but fast forward to Christmas and bam this man wanted to fund my bills on the 1st of every month and I fell for it....

To put it into context, this client was involving himself in my life, I am writing this with hindsight so it is very very obvious now... did some DIY, paid dinner dates, flowers, Easter presents, Christmas presents, birthday presents..

Then I am suddenly getting messages saying 'oh are you working today?' 'oh not sure about that picture, that comment on an external site' 'that picture on private is below you' 'you said you were doing this but you are doing that' '
I'm over here starting to think... mmmmm... he is paying my bills so I will note it and just DO AS HE SAYS/SUGGESTS! Well that didn't fly for long, every time I shared with him that I was going to a concert or out with friends etc I was getting messages calling for my attention; I am so depressed, whats the point of carrying on.. I'm starting to not tell him things; like going abroad twice last year and hiding it, going to Manchester to a concert; going to the IOW for the weekend..

I was suddenly what seemed to be a very coercive relationship and how the fuck did this happen with a client I have NO feeling for!

Then suddenly, he calls me and says he has raked up some serious debt and the gaslight is that he was in debt because he was seeing me and helping me during covid..

I AM AN ESCORT, NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND; MY BOYFRIEND GETS THIS PUSSY FOR FREE.

So, with a week of notice, that's it; no more bills being paid.. and a valuable lesson was learned as my car is still in the garage with timing chain gone and hustling to make the money lost by this guy.

I go back to a previous blog post that says you cannot be friends with clients and I stand by it in terms of letting someone dictate how you should live your life and accepting help from people. I was suddenly stuck in this negative space that I CREATED..

Monday, February 14th 2022

Happy Valentines day!

It is the day of love my people! I met the first love of my life on Valentines's day 30 years ago today and ever since then I've not met anyone i'd rather spend it with x I have been really spoiled by lovely regular clients and my room looks like a florist and my bathroom like Lush!

I have woken up this morning to beautiful sunshine and I am looking forward to getting out on my bike at some point today after I've been out for lunch. I am looking forward to spring days and getting down the allotment to start the season. My daffodils are already out down there and my little leeks are about 3 inches high in my conservatory already and my tomatoes are getting their second leaves so it is all go. There is so much going on and so much to look forward to I can't wait to get March started!!!

Right, this was a quick check in and now I have university work to start my people

C x

Tuesday, February 8th 2022

Juggling Act

Does anyone else get up in the morning with such positive intentions and by 9am they are doing everything except what they are supposed to be doing?

I feel and know my attention span is extremely compromised on the best of days and i'd definitely forgotten how hard I find it to concentrate for long periods without a packet of polos or a fidget spinner of some description but most definitely I remember now! I lived on spearmint polos and fidget toys during my original degree and now sitting here reading about self gratification theory and Instagram I am now doing this blog ... distracting myself again.. Of course self gratification is something I know a lot about and it's my favourite thing to do in the afternoons with a biggest dildo known to man but this assignment unfortunately isn't for that.

I have folded clothes; bathed and shaved; picked off my nail polish; tidied up my lounge after a whirlwind was around it yesterday; finding things hidden in the toy box that definitely shouldn't be there. But, now I need to get back to researching the dark triad and Instagram gratification.. Cyberpsychology is a relatively new psychology and it is nice to see new research rather than skinners box and Freud and his old shite.

I'm listening to Jessica Simpson album and 'sipping on history' definitely makes me emotional on the best of days but today I feel like my brain is trying to illicit any emotion that distracts me from doing any university work lol! For anyone needing to know what having ADHD ADD symptoms are like; it's like having 10 feelings or emotions at once or being 10 different people at once and everything becomes jumbled and confused as one trying to fight to the surface. Exhausting! Many years ago, when I did my Counselling diploma I was pulled in by my tutor who grilled me about writing my report in various different handwriting and at the time I believe she was trying to say I had DID ( dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder ) which now makes me laugh as I look through my handwritten notes now in different handwriting and it is no more than my state of distraction.

I'm sending SPECIAL SPECIAL love to my friend in this blog as I know he will read this; He is one of a kind, most loving and caring person I know and he keeps having such tragedy and saying 'I'm sorry' is just so redundant at this point

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, January 11th 2022

Happy new year

Just a quick update; I'm certain my silence hasn't gone unnoticed so firstly, happy new year!

An extremely slow start to January as the entire family went down with the black death and I again was watching fireworks out of the window for the second year in a row! Wouldn't have been so bad if the shower and then boiler hadn't packed up so there we have it, smelly and sick.

My first day back in education and cyberpsychology is first up and let me tell you how ironic it is to talk about the self and which self we present whether online or offline. I feel like I have many personalities doing this job 'secretly'. so it has been an interesting start.

I have high hopes for this year and want to soak in every single minute with positive vibes and only putting good thoughts out into the world

I love you all

C x

Wednesday, December 8th 2021

Living an authentic life

Living an authentic life

To live in sync with who we are.

I have touched on the dark world of codependency and the link it has with living in addiction both in childhood and in adult relationships. I thought I would address one the far reaching behaviours that follow us through adulthood and that is the failure to thrive in terms of being authentic to our own selves. I am concentrating on fawning behaviours for this post.

Being brought up in an addicted household can lead you as a child to being put in a role. An example of this being ‘ the intelligent one’. The child who dives through educational hoops; stays up late to get 10/10 on the spelling test; smiles and wipes every blackboard (showing my age) at every parents evening because you know you are the teachers pet and this is going to make your home life easier. Or the ‘rescuer’. This poor young person doesn’t even get a cape but she has super powers! She single handedly is keeping the parent sober. Wow! This child twists themselves in two to know exactly how the parent is feeling and what they can do to soothe them. If the parent falls off the wagon and goes AWOL you better believe it is all the child's fault. This torture is double pronged in both cases because the parents think you are a failure and you, yourself think you are a failure, Merry Christmas! I touch on these two as these are the two I have the most experience with but there are lots of others including the ‘detached’; stay in their room and come across like their hearts were exchanged in the last drug deal for a stone. They survive by maximum protection tactics; large walls all around them.

Living into adulthood, looking around you every second of the day and using the defence mechanisms to stay mentally and physically safe plays havoc with the growing personality. Using the ‘rescuer’ model of behaviour it is easy to see that when you approach your first adult relationship you will follow the pattern to the last adult you had a relationship with and it is normally a care giver. What were you taught?

1. Adults are not safe, firstly.
2. Anything that goes wrong in my adult relationship will be my fault.
3. My role is to keep the adult happy
4. If I am struggling or unhappy that too is my fault
5. If I f up, they will leave and I will be alone.

As in childhood the little juggling act; the clown face; look at me I deserve to be in this family and I’ll do anything to keep family members safe and I am so good so either don’t notice me or please notice me for good achievements is alive and well in you and if you think you are leading a glorious happy life, you are not; until you drop the juggling act and take a look at your own self you are not living your life; you are the extra in someone elses.

Living in synch with who we are

Sounds so easy but inside yourself your child self is shouting ‘keep me safe’. Remember the film with the robot child about to be thrown in the pool. ‘Keep me safe Martin, keep me safe’. That’s your childhood calling and listen to no one tells you to let it go, move on. Your wiring is done in childhood. You have have to understand it and learn to observe your behaviour and learn from it.

Get to the point…

My point is codependents of the fawning kind rarely consider their own feelings until the child has shouted ‘I am going in the pool’ and all bets are off. The triggers of all triggers. The slow burner to this is the rescuer is made of play dough. I like to go to bed at 10pm as I get up at 6am.. but I stay up till 11pm to not ‘offend’ the person I could be watching TV with.. I eat at a pizza restaurant on my birthday because my family member prefers it; I would rather do sushi. I like having long bright hair but my bf likes it dark and short so I keep it that way. I would love to put Christmas decorations up on 1st Dec and have loud outdoor lights.. but my partner hates Christmas so I don’t put any up. I love my dress I bought to wear on holiday.. my partner thinks I look terrible; so I take it off. Wanting to lay in bed for the morning and getting coffee in bed but your partner thinks this lazy and he has a list of things YOU have to do so you get up.

Now, the partners, friends and family of these examples need their own moment so lets just stick to you. With every act of putting yourself second and below others needs, you are not being authentic. You are saying you are not as valuable as the other person. No one wants a door mat and the ones who do want someone to be a robot are the N word which I wont say but we all know.

We are all autonomous human beings. I am not saying fuck everyone and do what you want for ever more but compromise is a word that is missing from the fawner’s play book. I think it is helpful to write down exactly what makes you, you. This is wide ranging from how you look; your home; job etc. Find your voice; you will not burst into flames and be hated for all time if you go to bed early. Taking back the autonomous power to buy something you know your partner wont like. If I love pink fluffy things fully embrace it till you are full up mentally with well being. You wouldn’t believe the mental well being you feel ‘rewarding’ yourself with something you love. Standing up for yourself and your feelings and needs. If you are told you ‘should’ be doing this then you don’t need to address everything that is wrong with that sentence you just need to think ‘ I appreciate your point of view about how to spend MY OWN LIFE MINUTES but actually I am comfortable maybe spending the morning in the garden as they suggested and the rest of the day doing my crossword puzzle and that’s OK’. Others reactions are their own, not your business.

It is not your job to make anyone else happy; just yourself.

People who love you, will still love and respect you and if they don’t then they didn’t and that’s OK.

Thursday, October 14th 2021

In the pursuit of happiness

What is happiness and how do we find it?

Are we looking for it?

If I am not happy, does that mean I am unhappy?

I feel that I think about happiness every day. As we drift out of childhood do we ever think about our state of being? As a teenager I remember many, many a miserable day watching the phone; which in those days was on the sideboard in the living room next to my mother. Not like today, where I have 2 phones, both of which can ruin a day with a text. Will they call? Did they like me? If they did, does that mean a some point I will be subject to a wandering finger in my jeans. The absolute ‘happiness’ as a teen was another human being, a boy for me. Being loved by another human has in the modern world been long the goal for us all.

I had a realisation as a pre-16 teen that love and happiness had been extremely scarce in my house hold and the only person that was ever in my corner was my sister. The woman who has always been the love of my life and I think we both suffer from lack of happiness because it had never been shown, nurtured or even seen by our parents.

What do I believe happiness to be? As an adult, I believed we could stave away unhappiness with casual sex; buying of items such as clothes and trinkets and expensive household items. Endless reading of self help books and the pursuit of knowledge in education. But it just occupies the mind for a time and when you are laying in bed alone, your sense of unhappiness still lingers there. I have experienced people who appear to search for security in property and income to potentially make them happy. I have also read lots of research about finding the happiness within, which again, unless you live on an island you will never know what influences made your inner self happy. Are you weak if it came from another person? Maybe you doing nice things for others made you happy so as long as your motives are pure and you are not keeping score that should still count in the happiness account. It has to be pretty unrealistic to expect only 1 person to be the source of your happiness extract.

I not only think about my own happiness but the happiness of others and I believe depending on how you grew up the path to happiness is different for everyone. I have a wonderful friend who had a wonderful childhood and marriage to one woman and his happiness needs are pretty low I would say. Very undemanding in their nature, very smooth and mellow and unhurried and in no need of validation. I have other friends who demand validation and constant stroking of their inner child. I believe we interact differently in line with firstly, our own happiness reserves and what as souls we believe happiness to be.

In answer to my question of are we searching for happiness and are we unhappy if we are not actively happy I believe the answer to be yes. Happiness is like our child’s favourite toy. We carry it around for days; sleep with it; bath with it; lend it to our friends but when it is suddenly lost we pine for it and look to find it in lots of different places. We all hide it within ourselves; within others and in inanimate objects. Spread it too thin, take it for granted and it flies away like seeds in the wind.

The ability to cope when it is lost I suggest, stems directly from past experience. Having the tools to cope when your precious is mislaid comes directly from your environment and whether you had the tools given or learnt as a child. Children are like sponges; I watch the young baby in my life and I observe how much they look at my face and expression for validation on whether the bump to their head hurt; if the new food on the spoon is ok to eat or if them pulling my hair is ok but whether I cry out or laugh. Children who have received mixed messages about emotion by care givers grow up with extra sensitive spidy senses to disappointment and sadness and all negative emotions in fact and they interpret them as their own personal fault. It is hard not to be sensitive when you grow up having to second guess whether you will be loved that day or not. This I suggest has major impact on abilities to just take autonomy for granted.

I conclusion, remember happiness is subjective to each and every person and is gathered in different ways; none of which are right or wrong and we all need to be sensitive to others gathering skills and maybe empathise with others tool box because where they are scarce in some, they are abundant in others

Much love C

Things that contribute to my happiness

Happiness can be simple and it is like the making of pom poms; you add a little; add a little; add a little till it becomes big and fluffy and full:

A proper hug for no reason.

Watching tv and talking all the way through it

Holding hands.

A message from a loved one telling me they love and appreciate me/ sending said message.

Being listened to; someone who wants to hear you whatever you may say.

Sparkly lights; glitter lamps; Christmas fairy lights; trees lighting up in the dusk.

Candles burning in every room.

The sunlight waking me in the morning through open curtains.

A good morning and good night text from someone who loves me and sending them.

A cup of coffee at the veg patch sitting in my chair watching others .

Having all the laundry done and the dishwasher empty.

Buying small but thoughtful gifts for those I love.

Being picked up and driven.

Having someone I love cook for me.

Surprise invitations for a walk or coffee with a loved one.

Knowing that you have someone who you can call at any time and they would walk through water because they think you are worth it.

This is not an exhaustive list but simple little things.