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| Friday, April 5th 2024 |
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| MY LANDLORD! |
My landlord (Mario) came to do his quarterly check on the property last week. He plopped himself down on the sofa and propped his feet up on my pouffe. ..then glancing around the room, he then gazed up at the ceiling and said, "In Greece, I've got my house all decked out in this fancy granite... and I've also got the finest LED light bulbs everywhere... hmm, do ya reckon you could swap out these light bulbs here for the finest LED ones? Oh hold on- it's alright, I've got one on me now, so I tell ya what why don't you just hop up on that chair and screw in these finest led light bulb ''
I changed the lightbulb that mario gave me and then 'E goes on about 'ow 'e was in the back garden and found a lot of dogs shit... I said... "I think you already know Mario that I ain't got no dog " He was like, "I know!" Well, it's bleedin' obvious then that It's gotta be that dog from next door! Come on, let's 'ave a good look outside in the garden and get a proper look at this Poo!''
(I was feeling quite queasy at the thought since I'd just eaten a bowl of Ready Brek for breakfast that morning) Anyway! we went outside into the back garden to discover this pile of shit sitting on the lawn...he whipped out his phone and started snapping pictures of it, then shoved the phone right under my nose, asking, "Does this look like dog poo to you?
I said '' I ain't got a clue tbh... erm… It might be foxes leaving their droppings…I honestly don't know Mario...''
Mario was 'avin a proper look examining it and goes... "Oi, is foxes poo always round like this?"
I said... "I don't know, to be honest, I've never really analysed the different variations of poo..."
(Meanwhile, I'm feeling proper naused up at this point....
(Long story short, he's planning to take legal action against the neighbour over it.
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| Friday, February 23rd 2024 |
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| The Scandalous TREE Lumberjack! |
Some petulant neighbour allegedly submitted a complaint about a tree in the front garden of where I live, which apparently (or so the neighbour said) had troublesome branches with a wobbly trunk, which they considered to be very ''dangerous'' to the general public. LOL I mean, how can a few bloody branches that are dangling over onto the path of the street be considered as "dangerous"?? It was obvious to me that the tree was in good health and was not wobbling in any way at all! I mean all it required was a bit of a 'trim' surely?
However! Next up, I am confronted by this weird looking bloke standing on the doorstep brandishing a bloody hacking axe! he seemed to be very enthusiastic to express his deep concerns about this seemingly 'offensive tree'. So I looked him straight in the eye and pointed to the tree in question, and asked him, " You mean that tree do you?...that one there?... ah well, as far as I'm concerned mate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that tree whatsoever! He asserted, "Well, I've come to chop it down...I am from 'Odin trees', and our company has been sent a request by the council to completely get rid of it''.... (I was shocked '' Oh What a fucking ruthless monster you are!! why??? why? I can assure you that the tree is most certainly healthy and is definitely not dangerous!;' to which he then remarked "Well, do you see those branches that are hanging over the street over there?" I responded with, "Yeah? ''So what?,'' He said, "Well, you can see that the situation is dangerous, can't you?"
I was like, "No way is that dangerous, mate!"
But still this weird bloke insisted that the tree must go!
Listen up, you fucking cunt! If you dare touch that tree, legal action will be taken against Odin Tree Company. That tree is perfectly fine, got it? Just take a gander at this beauty! Check out that lush greenery and that sturdy brown trunk. This tree is thriving, my friend!
Returning indoors, I made my way up to my flat.
Three hours later, I had to make a quick trip to the supermarket. As I closed the door behind me and stepped outside, I was met with the sight of a dead tree that had been completely mutilated. The trunk, branches, and leaves covered the entire front garden, obscuring the view of the basement flat. It turns out that the prat and his team had indeed carried out the dirty deed. I was furious and saddened by the sight...
My jaw dropped when I saw that, and to rub salt in the wound-
I discovered a courtesy business card on the doorstep from Odin Tree Company, which stated that if anyone wanted the destruction they had caused removed that they should contact them for a quote. How outrageous! How outrageous that they did that to begin with, and now they want those who live here to pay to have it cleared up? (what an utterly offensive act of audacity is that?!. (I was completely gobsmacked quite frankly!.
So!
Right off the bat I lodged complaints with the council. Initially, I tried calling but was informed that the tree department didn't accept direct calls. So, I had to resort to submitting my complaints online! It's an ongoing issue with everyone passing the buck and no one willing to clean up the mess. It's quite disconcerting that nobody will take responsibility, but that's just life, isn't it? That's society for you these days - no one wants to work, fix things, or take responsibility Just the same old story regarding bureaucratic chaos.
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| Sunday, February 4th 2024 |
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| Fixation with the bog standards of toilet roll! |
I have conducted a thorough observation of the quantity of paper obtained from a single toilet roll over the past few days, and the results are quite alarming!
It has been a real eye opener to be honest!
After closely monitoring over a period of 48 hours, I have determined that within a somewhat longer timeframe of approximately 24 to 27 hours, a single toilet roll was completely depleted...
I have been like, "Oh my god, I need to go shopping for more toilet paper- yet again!" ( It's incredibly irritating!)
Recently, I have noticed a significant decrease in the duration of a single toilet roll. Previously, a roll would last approximately 3-4 days, however today it is evident that the typical Andrex toilet roll has been decreased by half its previous quantity.
I noticed that I am expending a significant amount of money on toilet paper. The current rate of progress is equivalent to approximately 4 rolls every 2 or 2.5 days. I am curious about the current situation. Are these manufacturers attempting to deceive customers, or am I using the Loo more frequently than usual?
I admit that I have been a bit careless in my approach to ripping lengths off the toilet paper before usage, and not been particularly diligent in monitoring the number of squares I use. However, I have now begun to take note of the precise number of small squares I should tear off before a wipe...
It's really frustrating me! Until today, I was wasting a good chunk of paper—roughly six squares worth—every time I used a tissue to blow my nose before a wiping session- This meant that two squares of tissue were already gone for that purpose, and four squares were needed for an extensive wiping...
I have two possible theories!
It has become absurd, in my opinion, that the length and frequency of night time toilet breaks are growing. Clearly, I am only half awake, and as a result, I am wasting a lot of tissue because I am pulling off far more than the average person would...Conversely, during daylight hours, when I am completely cognizant, I only utilise approximately 2 squares of tissue (a behaviour I have just adopted upon realising the wastefulness).
OR Is the charming Sri Lankan shopkeeper from where I buy my toilet rolls just selling cheap knockoff Andrex from a slick wheeler dealer who's offering him a deal for fake Andrex that only has a couple of sheets of toilet paper coiled around the cardboard????? These questions need answering!
As a result of this conundrum, I am now down to my last square.
As you may have guessed, this is currently my primary interest. I may even go to Waitrose and Sainsbury's to compare the volumes!
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| Sunday, January 21st 2024 |
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| ANOTHER GRINDING LOVE STORY! |
This is a very true account about someone who I met many years ago while studying at UCH (University College hospital) he was a BDS Dental student while I was also a student training to be a Dental Hygienist/Therapist .Alright, listen up! This guy had quite the interesting situation going on - being a disabled student with a bit of a leg situation. Let's just say he had one leg or rather one and a half legs, if you want to be precise! Let's discuss the art of being a total standout now shall we? Okay so! despite his disability, we managed to hit it off and connect right away. Well, it's no surprise that I have a talent for being drawn to the most unconventional and being attracted to unique qualities - that's just how I roll!...
It wasn't until we graduated from UCH that we started dating properly. Interestingly, we both ended up working at the same dental Practice....
I was hired as a Dental hygienist as he was also hired to be a new Associate Dentist, What was even more peculiar is that we were placed by the manager in clinical rooms adjacent to one another- which meant we could easily sneak into each other's room for a jolly good smooshy snogging session!
Our relationship reached scorching levels of intensity when we found ourselves together alone in a work space - Like for example- the XRAY department...It was during these moments that we didn't resist the temptation to sneak into the dark room -not only for indulging in some spur of the moment feisty sex but also to legitimately process our x rays. Now! dental x rays only takes a matter of minutes to fix- so ! we had just a few minutes to fumble fuck and cum basically!
As previously said, my lover was an amputee with only one leg (and a half!), but wore this silicone/metal prosthetic leg from the knee down. Despite this I guarantee that he was more than capable of getting about town alright and it didn't affect the sexual side of things apart from when he removed the prosthesis (Just before bedtime) this inevitably meant that it was impossible to bounce up and down around in bed however, having the most luxurious crotch credentials ( which most men would 'give their eyeteeth for!') for me it really didn't matter that he had one leg -less... At the time, I thought it was a brilliant idea to work alongside my partner and then continue our fun at home (but that was just at the beginning!) This one-legged dentist was the most adventurous and "unusual" person I had ever met like he'd even bring his pet rat into the clinic and sit it on his shoulder while examining a patient,- I've been racking my brain trying to remember this rat's name, but it seems to have vanished into thin air. I mean God knows why! (Oh, come on! It was definitely not Roland!) Anyway, soon enough, patients were flocking out of the practice to register elsewhere, all thanks to this Dentists unpredictable antics. So, get this, patients were like, "Hey, this Dentist is doing some pretty unethical stuff." They were filling out complaint forms left and right
To keep the story short, this relationship despite being on its final legs ( You can't deny that's a pretty damn good pun) Imagine my surprise when I walked in on him, contorted in this peculiar position with none other than the rotund bird from the clinic (you know, the receptionist) Oh my, what a sight that was! It certainly wasn't something I expected to see!!
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| Thursday, January 18th 2024 |
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| THE RED COAT ROMANCE (PART 2! |
I propped myself down into the rickety three legged chair ( it only had 3 legs because the fourth leg had been torn off during our earlier fight) I was trying to balance myself sitting in this broken chair feeling pretty miserable ....until I decided to crank up the volume and jam out to a bit of Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers' with the timeless banger 'Islands in the Stream'.... which seemed quite poignant for this moment in time however, thanks to Dolly and Kenny I actually felt a million times worse afterwards...
And so Mulling over my stand up comedian boyfriends 'terminally ill' story and the very strange bell ringing symptoms that he said he had in his ears - I come to the conclusion that he was telling lies , I mean if it was true then surely he'd have some visible signs? (or perhaps I just hadn't noticed any signs?
Suddenly I sprang out of my chair and just went for his ears- I was grabbing on to both ears- twisting them around I then got up close and was whispering into one ear "So, Where are those hidden treasures my friend huh? (with all the gusto I could muster, I then let out an almighty scream directly into his right ear) … 'Ello me ol buddy! ha hahaaaaaaaaaa..hahaha Well whaddya know! to be honest Your ears look great and almighty fine to me..... what is it you say they do honey? Did you say that they Play a catchy little tune that goes ''ring a- ding ding ?' Well! I reckon I'll have myself a good ol' gander inside those ears of yours and give 'em a thorough inspection!....''
I then started to look as close as I could inside both ears... With a mighty grip, I hissed into one ear ''Well hello there friend- let me tell you that from where I'm standing there's no sign of any lumps or bumps dangling out from these ears of yours!.... So whassup?? I know whassup- You're a lying pig of a fuckin bastaad- thats whassup!
The words- ignited yet another brawl as we began wrestling one another until we fell onto the floor... But then quickly regaining our footing only to dive into another round as we crashed into the walls & bounced back off again, and so this continued in this way until our energy was completely depleted and we were worn out with exhaustion
Tired we slumped into total silence, refusing to speak to one another for about 3 hours until finally when we began to converse and plan our journey back to London. Since my boyfriend was beginning to exhibit escalating signs of insanity, I made a conscious effort to maintain an 'air of levity' so as to keep him as' docile' as possible.... (for now at least!
Neither of us had any money left... Are you kidding me? (I'm serious, I swear! ) The bottom line is, I managed to increase my credit card limit...With fingers crossed, we packed up our meagre belongings then hit the road . Our first pit stop was to the gas station, where we topped up with diesel...Having a full tank of petrol was liberating- A WHOLE tank of diesel was a source of spiritual joy for me because- finally- woo hoo- I was heading back to London!
As we drove from the gas station, I was so joyful at the prospect of going home that I began singing "Ging Gang Gooli Gooli ... Wow! Oh yay! We now had a WHOLE tank of diesel! I am so happy! ( Unfortunately, déjà vu struck again- when my boyfriend interupted my sing a long and announced that we needed to get to another Gas station to refuel the truck yet again... "But we've only just tanked up!" I shouted... (I swear it only seemed like we'd gone a few miles....and the gas we had only just topped up- had already gone-!.
''Yeah I know but we've gotta fill 'er up again tho'' he says- This old battered truck was swallowing the fuel at quite an alarming rate - so hearing that we had to PUMP it UP again was just.... devastating....I didn't have enough money to keep on topping up this tank...suddenly before we could reach the petrol station the truck just came to a sudden HALT- leaving little alternative but to exit the vehicle, raise our thumbs up in the hope that a couple of strong passers by might stop and if we're lucky help us out to push the truck off the main road....
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| Sunday, January 14th 2024 |
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| THE RED COAT ROMANCE! |
This is a true story about an absurd relationship I that I had many years ago with a professional 'stand-up comedian'... (A RED COAT social club Entertainer who I met whilst on holiday at Butlins ) .... From the moment our eyes met, it was clear that we were destined for each other... We quickly hatched a plan to build a blissful future together, which led to impulsively leave behind the bustling streets of London and embark on a fresh start in the picturesque region of Brittany, France ( I assume you know what the expression ''A life of Riley means?'' well!- that's exactly what 'I' was expecting!!
Ignoring the advice from "others," we set sail on the merry ferry from Dover Docks across the Channel to "Hello, France" This was expected to be the beginning of an epic climax of what would be the most extraordinary love story ever told...Indeed, This was going to be an eternal revelation, a romantic one with a hint of pink... and it was going to continue on forever and ever, in the name of... Amen...
Nevertheless, a feeling of imminent catastrophe overwhelmed us when we discovered that we had surpassed our credit card threshold of two hundred pounds, rendering us incapable of covering our basic living costs. Consequently, we were unable to even afford a simple loaf of bread, leading to severe disputes that unfortunately escalated into a tumultuous series of furniture smashing episodes, within this already dilapidated abandoned cottage where we were staying.- Unfortunately, things escalated to the point that we began fighting and brutally hitting one another with the broken leftovers of the furniture...
Then suddenly out of the blue, my stand-up comedian boyfriend then tells me that he's terminally ill and not expected to live beyond 18 months.- I felt sick as a pig at this point -I felt so piggy sick that I froze to the spot in a daze as a table leg slipped from my hand- (the very one I had planned to use as a weapon!) Overwhelmed by an intense wave of sorrow, I could feel my vision fading as My eyeballs began rolling back- on the verge of Passing Out...Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion in my upcoming and final excerpt!
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| Sunday, December 17th 2023 |
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| THE NIGHTMARE OF NIGHTMARES! |
For the past two days, I've been plagued by these absolutely dreadful nightmares that have been nothing short of utterly terrifying. I have a rather eratic sleep pattern where I find myself heading to bed quite early, like 6pm. Then, in the middle of the night around midnight, I wake up and find myself wandering around, making a cup of tea. But the real adventure begins when I finally return to bed around 4 am, as that's when the nightmares decide to pay me a visit.
So, picture this: I somehow ended up in a car in the depths of Wales, even though In real life I have a dreadful phobia about driving I'm absolutely terrified of it! Anyway guess what? No satnav, no phone, nothing to rely on. Just me and my nightmare scenario. So there I was, winding my way through these Welsh mountains, with their terrifyingly steep cliff-like drops. And as if that wasn't enough, I had to conquer these ridiculously high bridges that seemed to stretch endlessly up into the heavens above- Seriously, they just kept going and going!
I'm clutching onto the wheel for dear life and all I can say is that I am absolutely petrified!! I am sobbing and fervently praying to Jesus, desperately hoping to find my way back to Holloway Road. It felt like an absolute nightmare, an experience I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
And then today at 4 am this morning I went back to bed and yet again slumber into another fucked up horrifying nightmare...this time, I found myself in quite a predicament. London had been taken over by a rather eccentric group of people who were quite enthusiastic about their beliefs. These folks, armed with weapons, had a rather ambitious goal of eliminating every English person in the country. To my surprise, I ended up being held captive in a building by a rather interesting husband and wife team who were part of this organisation. They were dressed in these long, cloak-like garments that reminded me of something that the freemasons would wear
They had this rather unconventional way of restraining me, using some sort of bizarre wire that was both blunt and sharp-edged. To which they proceeded to encircle and tie me up and then began engaging in some rather unconventional torturous activities, which I can't quite recall in vivid detail. However, what I do remember is that they sported icy grim faces the whole time.
I suddenly woke up as they were poking needles into my toes. When I finally regained full consciousness, I felt like I had been through a brutal ordeal, as if I had been dragged through the streets by the hair. It was absolutely dreadful. I managed to get out of bed, but even though dreams are supposed to fade away, I'm still vividly remembering it now, even at 11 am! The nightmare I had yesterday kept haunting me all day long, and now this new one seems like it will have the same effect!
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| Sunday, December 10th 2023 |
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| MY DAILY MANTRA TO THE HIGHER MOON GODS! |
''I kiss the candle and whisper into the ear of O father sky to set the watch today, against the horns of the he-goat, to defend me, for I am powerful and blessed.' I beseech you, O mother Earth AND O father sky to crush those who seek my vengeance and who curse me with their venom, for I am innocent....'
( Now chanting X3 - Asteria- Isis- Athena- Diana- hecate- demeter-Inanna - Inana Kali...
I sacrifice myself and offer this devout chalice, together with this peice of garlic Up to the higher moon gods, the Queen of Ghosts, and of course to commander Nymphi, for guiding me along this path of creation and exploration... ''Hear me! Us...Hear us! hail to the guardians of the wicca witch tower! Powers of fire and feeling ...hear Us, we pray of three, we pray of thee! Dearest Serpent and ruler of the deep- show us Your glory! Fill me!' Be forever gracious to the whispers of the prophecy...Take my hand, O goddesses, let the magic flow through me...''
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| Thursday, November 23rd 2023 |
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| RIVETING MORNING CHAT WITH FRIEND! |
There's nothing quite like a jolly good Old fashioned intelligent conversation with an Old friend is there?
Usually most mornings I phone my old friend -Brian (who I've now known for several years
However our conversation usually consists of 2 words '' Hello''......and ''Goodbye'' (with a very long silence in between) because apart from these 2 words we don't have much else to say ...
So today I decided to make a bit more effort with conversation- this is how it went:- As per follows [this is the complete Transcript]
Sue-''Did you know that Leaf sweepers are out on the streets today Brian?''
Brian- ''No I didn't actually...''
Sue- ''I think they're a waste of space sweeping up the leaves, don't you?''......( silence)
Brian- '' Uhmmmm Oh yes perhaps they are''
Sue-'' My mother once told me that all leaves get sucked down into the ground by worms to make fertilizer...true isn't it?''
Brian-'' Well....worms can't suck in leaves through a concrete pavement can they''?
Sue- ''Dunno- can't they ??''
And that was it ![followed by a long interval of- silence].....So I then wrapped it up by bidding goodbye to Brian ''Bye Bye then Brian'' [Brian-> ''Bye Bye then Sue''
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| Thursday, November 2nd 2023 |
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| UTTERLY BITTERLY BITTER! |
My Poem about My Local refuse Team!...Titled - UTTERLY BITTERLY BITTER!
Oh, bitter am I, With a heavy sigh, In this world so cold, My heart's story untold....
...Oh, how utterly bitterly bitter I feel, oh so deeply, the bitter sting, Of the garbage, a problem, in Islington it brings. Utterly, bitterly, my heart does ache, For a solution, oh, how I long to make...
If only, a whispered plea, In the depths of longing, it be, A wistful sigh, a heartfelt plea~ If only, oh, if only Oh, if only' for how I long for the refuse teams arrival... to collect the rubbish that burdens my soul, but alas, my sadness deepens with each passing week, as they approach with their smelly lorry in tow. Ensnared, confined by squalor's embrace, Oh, the bitterness within my soul does trace ...With careless abandon, they then let it all just fall, , Leaving a trail of rubbish, one and all. A path of garbage, lining the street, As if entitled, their actions repeat....
Oh, the bitterness within me runs deep, A feeling that consumes, like a river so steep. My heart, heavy with sorrow, it does reel, Oh, how 'utterly bitterly bitter' I feel....
...LONDON...
To witness the degradation and decline, Of London town, a tale so fine. One for the narrative, my friends, Where sorrow and despair transcends. The city's glory, now fading away, A story of darkness, in disarray...
Torn apart, at seams unravelled, Declining, a pace that time can't handle....
In London town, where no road sweepers roam, No police in sight, just remnants of the stench of GARBAGE alone. The bustling streets, once filled with life's refrain, Now echo with the remnants of what remains...
Let us momentarily forget climate change's plight, For it shall find its own solution, in time's flight. Instead, let us focus on the garbage's blight, And the stench of decay, a problem we must ignite!
The End
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| Saturday, October 14th 2023 |
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| OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS! |
I was strolling down Holloway Road having just been to Costa Coffee for my morning caffeine and nicotine thrust when I saw this advertisement in the window of the Holloway Road nags head community centre advertising for a Senior smoking lecturer…I thought to myself, ''Goodness me I think I could do that!"
The advert said-
We are looking for a former heavy smoker to lecture anyone trying to enjoy a cigarette
I dashed inside the community centre to get the job description, and while I was there, I thought to myself, "I can do this." Let's just say that I recently quit smoking for the sake of argument... what a simple job this would be- Getting paid for lecturing people about smoking...Oh Wow Opportunity knocks!
As soon as I got home I brewed a pot of tea, lit up a cigarette, and started reading the job description.
It stated that the successful candidate needed to be able to lecture about the dangers of smoking (which, at this point, I thought was a very positive vibe
The candidate also needs to be able to know the exact amount of money that people will be saving as well as find out what they are going to spend this money on....( I was thinking ...Oh so it involves a bit of arithmetic...Mmmnnn ah that could be a bit tricky Cuz I'm no good with numbers....Oh well let's read on, I can wangle that one I suppose...
It then said that as a senior smoking lecturer I woulld be required to make an announcement about how much better the ex smoker will feel - telling them how drastically healthier it will be when their lungs are back up and fully inflated....( I was thinking- Blimey Yeah! of course! I forgot about that!
Underneath that paragraph it said- The senior smoking lecturer you should be able to describe ALL the ailments that come along with smoking- like e.g., ''The hacking cough''...
After that, I came to the objectives of the job specification, which said-
The ability for the new non smoker to be able to start every sentence with "When I was a smoker..." is essential and they will need to acquire proficient skills in conversation about any topic, ranging from ( politics, sport, Tv Plus+, The new ex- smoker should also be able to smuggly condemn the tobacco industry and have knowledge of ALL the health benefits of living a life free of cigarettes...
After that, I made a beeline for the salary information, which was-
£32,000 (Plus an ongoing allowance for nicotine gum)... I observed that the very last paragraph was in such small print that I could barely read it for squinting- I managed to decipher that this was a temporary position as it said: The expectation is that the successful candidate may not be able to fulfill this role on a long term contract as it is evisaged that they will be back on a 100 fags a day within a month.
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| Wednesday, September 27th 2023 |
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| THE AGENCY |
So, after hopping around like a kangaroo on a trampoline, I finally decided to settle down on this platform in 2010. I had a profile back then, but like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I started fresh with this "newish" profile in October 2021. It's like hitting the reset button, but with a touch of déjà vu. Before this magical platform came into my life, I foolishly subjected myself to the torturous world of agency work. On my very first day, I was chosen to be the substitute for an exotic black woman that this client had requested. Little did I know, the photos on the agency website were all fake- So there I was, a pale, blonde, and about as exotic as a potato. Talk about a surprise for the customer when I showed up at his door!
When the client opened the door and caught sight of me, his face turned into a mix of surprise and anger. He exclaimed, "Oh my god you're white !" For which I found myself apologising for the sheer audacity of being born with a fair complexion and making grand promises to single-handedly solve the world's problems, I sprinted down the driveway of this house and hid behind a tree so that I could discreetly call up the agency to speak to POPS. Pops was the agency Boss (pimp extraordinaire,) So I explained the predicament that the client had expected an exotic creature but he bellowed, "CONVINCE HIM!!" I replied ''Sorry pops I don't know what you mean?...do you mean I have to convince him that I'm actually black although I'm obviously white ?''This time Pops voice was getting LOUDER and now he was screaming at the other end ''I told you TO FUCKING convince him You dumbass!!! I was going ''Aye?'' but pops was beginning to completely lose it-
"Oh maaaaan it sure looks like someone's got a case of the "ain't-no-good-itis"! Oh maaaaaaaaan, you're no fucking good man...You just aint NO GOOD...'' (He repeated the words- 'You aint no good Man' about half a dozen times!) Now he really was getting worked up and was now Screaming " Naaaaaaaow Listen moron-git dat butt arse o' yours back to dat fucken den AND get dat muvva fuckin' money OR else !!!!'' And with that, he hung up the phone.
So, there I was, sprinting, back to the customer's door for the second round of door-knocking extravaganza. The customer graced me with a charmingly snarly "hello again," and this time let me into the hallway, where he then decided to serenade me with some melodious shouting asking me "so where's my black woman???!!!!"Any idea where she is???
I said ''Look I'm really sorry you're disappointed... really I am, but' Im' sure I will be able to do EVERYTHING that any exotic sort of bird can do, believe it or not I think I might even be able to do it a lot better. O-k-a-y so I'm not exactly 'exotic' BUT I can be VERY erotic ''sure, sure,'' he moaned, ''So, I guess my black woman is in demand is she?'' (Meanwhile I'm thinking- Little do you know that the exotic bird doesn't even exist, mate)'
Cuz it transpired that not a single Sex worker on this Agency website was REAL and there was nobody else that I knew about who did actually toil for this Phantom agency - all except for yours truly, 'ME , myself and 'I'....
So! because all this happened several years ago I now have a fading memory about how this particular scenario ended but I do however vaguely recall shedding my clothes and then gracefully twirling and pirouetting around the room hoping to dazzle the client into thinking that I was the epitome of ''exoticness'' even though I was not the 'exotic chick' that he had picked out from this agency website.... (Ah yeah... the lengths we go to make a lasting impression! Oh boy, talk about a sight for sore eyes!
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| Saturday, July 29th 2023 |
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| Buying Cherie, A.K.A. "The Sex Dolly" |
So, I was casually browsing the vast depths of the internet, on a quest to find the ultimate bargain for a lifelike Sex doll- You know, one of those uncannily realistic dolls that could easily pass for a genuine human. Gender? Meh, not really a concern for me. As long as this synthetic marvel had that authentic, skin-like silicone and has moving eyeballs, I was game. Oh boy, have you heard about these futuristic sex dolls? Apparently, they are practically human clones! I mean, they can even chat with you . And get this, they are not just eye candy, they can actually do some basic chores too. Who needs a butler when you have a sex doll that can make you a cup of tea?
After diving deep into the abyss of sex dolls, I stumbled upon a few that really caught my attention. These dolls were not your average lifeless mannequins, oh no! They had a certain je ne sais quoi, and a spark of, um... personality, if you like. I was especially keen as I said to find a sex doll with moving eyeballs…I mean, who wants to have a conversation with a doll that looks like it is lost in the Bermuda Triangle of emptiness? I can't think of anything more exasperating than trying to have a deep conversation with a doll that makes you feel like you've lost your marbles.
You might be wondering why it is that I want a sex doll?
"Um" I dunno" really, I mean this could make for a captivating opening act for my guests I'm certain it would be a marvellous icebreaker, you know, just to keep things interesting, and maybe (obviously) to utilize it as a smidgen of, uh... impromptu fun... because why not? Oh, and I had this brilliant idea that we could collaborate together on creating some scandalous and avantgarde blue movies....OK LOOK! I must confess, that for some inexplicable reason, I've had this weird curiosity for sex dollies. It's a peculiar interest, I know, but it's just that there's 'something' strangely interesting about having artificial synthetic 'friends' that 'tickles my fancy'.
And so after doing some research, Who would know that silicone friends came with a huge price tag (Looks like my dreams of having a plastic partner will have to wait until I win the lottery) Oh boy, those realistic dollies were so expensive, they might just as well have been made of solid gold- My budget took one look at the price tag and ran for the hills (To be honest, I shouldn't even have a budget for this ridiculously peculiar purchase!)
It was becoming obvious that I would have to settle for less. It appeared that my options were limited to either acquiring an exorbitantly priced sex doll OR otherwise resorting to a woefully cheap alternative...
The customer reviews for these inexpensive knock-offs were not at all exciting and failed to spark any sort of love affair with me, although I did stumble upon 'Cherie''
well, it seems Cherie was the belle of the budget-friendly sex doll ! But alas, she was not exactly the chatty type. No deep conversations or tea parties with this gal, I am afraid. She was strictly in the business of pleasure, no small talk or tea brewing skills included…however! She possessed a pair of truly splendid breasts (and, of course, all the necessary openings!) So, feeling a tad bit wild, I made the daring choice to treat myself to Cherie - because, you know, life at times needs a little extra kick, right?
I was like, "Alright, Cherie, you can come hang out in my basket darling." But then I thought, "Hold up, let me see what other people have to say about you first, Cherie"
Steve from Harlow- Essex
...''Mouth worked. Other holes were sealed and punctured''
Julian from Devon
''Her assets are definitely not made for erm 'actions'...You don't notice this until you've pumped her up for the first time''
Mike from Brixton
...''Everything is Great!!!!!...Thank you!''
Terry from Wales
'FAST SHIPPING!''
Daniel from Berkshire
...''Very Very disappointed, would not blow up''
Peter from Somerset
'' REALLY CHEAP!!!!''
Defying all odds, I bravely proceeded to make my purchase of my very own dolly-bird sex doll, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 'special delivery'. Keep your eyes peeled on this very spot!
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| Saturday, July 1st 2023 |
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| CLIENT SERVITUDE! |
Let me tell you about a recent meeting I had with a Client...
Out of the blue, I had this surge of irresistible impulsiveness which hit me like a ton of bricks. In a morn of mystique, untamed & free, With antics wild, as if from dreams they flee, I stood poised, eager, to seize the thrill, That lay ahead, my heart with joy to fill…
And so, the epic saga of my mundane existence continues! I had this absolutely great idea to give the Client a fashion- makeover by putting this trendy leather metal caged hood over his head, and then, out of nowhere, suddenly thought, why not throw in a couple of Dildos into the mix? So, with gleeful enthusiasm I then popped the first one into the Client's mouth... and then another one (which, by the way, were now sticking out of his mouth in the most hilariously inappropriate manner Oh, ha ha, what an absolute knee- slapper! Oh how we laughed (without a doubt, my dear Watson)
...O-K-A-Y, so you don't think that this is amusing enough for you? Well, I guess I'rll just have to try harder to tickle your funny bone. Alrighty let's try again- Brace yourself and prepare to be blown away by the next bit as I take on the challenge of making this even more side-splittingly entertaining. Hold onto your virtual beer handles chaps, as hilarity is about to ensue (Disclaimer: I will try my best, but no guarantees on the actual amusement level)
By now I was laughing so hard that I almost had a little accident in my pants (don't worry, I managed to hold it in) But! get this, the clients mood was now taking a huge nosedive when I decided to spice things up by suspending him from the ceiling, while strapped into my fancy new gadget ( a top-of-the-line rotating straight jacket) Talk about taking the phrase "hanging out" to a whole new level...Blimey the angle was perfect for gaining access to his...uh, balls, so naturally, at this point I couldn't resist attaching a parachute harness around the...ahem,... family jewels ( Let's just say he was a little off balance for a while) Ah but! it's all in good Pun isn't it? (it seems that somebody (Moi) had quite the eventful morning !
Little did I know that embarking on an adventure of 'gentlemen exploration' would prove to be a most revitalizing way to start the day (Forget Weetabix) Okay so! 'Imprisonment & servitude', are just a glimpse into the vast expanse of my remarkably diverse & exquisitely creative repertoire of play. Plus I have a vast collection of uniforms/ Role Play outfits which take up a whole room by themselves (Goodness me Sue! You really know how to keep things intriguing don't You?
Well, yes… In the realm of discourse, doth thou dare? To challenge the winds of thought, beware! Sue will keep you guessing. She is the ruler of revelry… A mysterious allure, A mistress of intrigue, who will leave you longing for more and more…with bated…'
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| duet with a gorgeous (but very strange) man |
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| You can take the girl out of the East End BUT... |
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| During My Earlier Days on AW |
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| Chainsmoking nervous wreck |
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| Working at the Bates Motel as a Cleaner |
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| Ms Beehive wearing Nylons |
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| Oh, how I long for the days of my virginity!
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| flower arranging for my wig (I have over 200 wigs) |
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| The Blood sucking Vampiress |
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| Former Dental Hygienist prior 2 Joining AW in 2010 |
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| Extraction forceps 2 hand wearin my fav Boots! |
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| The no -nonsense Teacher theme |
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| What is your starsign? |
Gemini May 21 - June 21 |
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| What is your Primary Language? |
English |
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| What is your Secondary Language? |
I can speak a few languages |
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| How would you describe your non-binary gender? |
Other |
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| If other, please specify: |
am I allowed to say ' Heterosexual?' |
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| What is your favourite colour? |
Purple (although it doesn't suit me! |
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| Who is your favourite celebrity? |
Pfft,who needs fancy-pants celebs anyway? |
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| What is your best feature? |
Legs |
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| What three words best describe your personality? |
outspoken, fiesty AND impatient! |
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| What is your favourite food? |
I eat to live not the other way round |
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| What is your favourite drink? |
Vodka, a splash of Pink Gin, a crisp White wine.. |
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| What is your favourite film? |
The House that wouldn't die |
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| What is your favourite TV programme? |
My heart belongs to savage crime progs |
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| What are your favourite flowers? |
ALL flowers are beautiful |
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| What is your favourite perfume? |
Molecule 01 (at ze moment! |
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| What is your favourite gift? |
I'm not bothered about gifts |
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| What is your favourite holiday destination? |
For me, there is no such thing as a holiday |
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| What is your ethnicity? |
Caucasian (White) |
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| What is the colour of your eyes? |
Blue |
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| How would you describe your body type? |
Slim |
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| How tall are you? |
5'8" |
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| How much do you weigh? |
9½st |
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| What is your shoe size? |
3 |
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| What is your dress size? |
10 |
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| What size is your chest? |
36" |
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| What is your bra cup-size? |
C |
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| How would you describe the size of your breasts? |
Medium |
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| Are your breasts natural or enhanced? |
Natural |
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| How is your pubic hair fashioned? |
Trimmed |
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| Do you smoke? |
Socially |
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| Do you have any tattoos or piercings? |
Neither |
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| If you have tattoos or piercings, how discreet are they |
NA |
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| Do you have any birth-marks or scars? If so, size and location? |
None |
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| What times are you always available? |
This varies from week to week (ASK! |
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| Will you do overnight bookings? |
No |
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| List of Towns/Areas you will visit |
ASK! |
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| How long are you prepared to travel for? |
1hr |
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| Nearest rail station? |
Caledonian Road/Holloway Road |
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| What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you in public? |
Any potentially embarrassing incidents would have occurred prior to the age of 30, as over the age of 30 you become impervious to embarrassment due to wisdom & experience.
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| What sort of men turn you on? |
That mysterious guy who looks like Alfred Hitchcock! The type of man who, with a single look, can have your pulse racing and your heart racing with anticipation. |
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| What sort of women turn you on? |
looks like the ladies will have to find someone else to swoon over! My fantasies of women are far more adventurous than reality, but I've given it a shot at least!
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| What is the most memorable sexual experience you’ve ever had? |
Not one of my sexual experiences stand out quite frankly |
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| What is the most outrageous thing that you’ve done sexually (be honest!) |
as a seasoned pro at life! Nothing can faze me now that I've conquered everything under the sun. |
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| Where would you most like to have sex? |
Sex on a motorbike, hair blowing in the wind?
I've no idea...
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| What is your favourite sexual position? |
I'm very nimble when it comes 2 positioning |
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| What is your second favourite sexual position? |
Is positioning really that important then? |
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| What is your biggest turn on? |
I look at peoples TEETH first- always have
I really like irregular teeth and unconventional characteristics in general- those sort of traits- I find extremely appealing |
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| The most sensitive part of my anatomy is? |
Ah , My ears I think |
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| Describe the experience (when and where) |
Rather not remember! |
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| What is your favourite sexual fantasy? |
Well, I guess it is time to take a ride on the wild side and hop into bed with a taxi Driver! |
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| How often do you masturbate? |
I'm not highly sexual actually- I never have been! |
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| What sexual activity do you enjoy the most? |
delightful smoochy-woochy action (Kissing! |
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| When is your libido at its highest? |
"High Noon" |
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