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| Friday, August 18th 2017 |
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| A Trip To The Pain Palace |
As I'm sure a couple of people noticed I did a bit of a vanishing act over last weekend.
I went on a hard earned mini break in Cardiff (had to see The Doctor Who Experience before it closed!), that probably isn't of much interest to you, however on the return trip I stopped off at Worcester to visit The Pain Palace.
I had not visited this Dungeon before, but I had heard many good things and I was not disappointed.
It is truly brimming with equipment, from cages to crosses, a medical bed, a rather lovely throne and my personal favourite a restored vintage violet wand kit.
I love electrics, and I have my own modern violet wand kit, as far as modern kits go I have the best that I could afford and that is a Doctor Clockwork solid state wand (although I covet a Violet Wanda kit, it's a little out of my price range at the moment) this baby was something else though!
The vintage wand was much more powerful, I had it on quite a low setting and my dear husband (yes there is a Mr Valleycat, yes he knows I'm on here, he's my biggest fan, yes he knows he's a very lucky boy) who is used to be prodded and poked on high intensity settings with my Dr Clockwork wand was leaping around all over the place!
We were lucky enough to be allowed to film some clips in there, and perhaps I will share them at some point, but for now I am quite content with watching them back and reliving memories.
In all I would say that if you ever happen to be in the area it is definitely worth a visit.
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| Thursday, June 29th 2017 |
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| Mystery Shopping Sexual Health Clinics |
When I was younger (much like now actually) I would pretty much do anything for a laugh, which is basically how I ended up mystery shopping sexual health clinics.
Mystery Shopping is basically when a company wants to make sure everything is running smoothly with their company without just sending the boss around and everybody being on their best behaviour, they send some random in who checks things out and then gets something free (in this case I got condoms and lube, yay paaaaaarty! Hahaha seriously though I was single at the time and I think most of the condoms went out of date before I started going out with anybody who could use them), and/ or is traumatised out of ever mystery shopping again (as happened to a guy I knew who was also mystery shopping sexual health clinics).
Anyhow, we were given some brief training to prepare (hahahahahahahahhahahaha) us, and then given our days and dropped off around the corner from whatever clinic we were going to by someone who would then wait in their car until we came back, either with a thousand yard stare, or laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.
So in I walked, checked in with the woman on reception and told her I wanted to sign up for the card that meant you could get free condoms if you were under 25, sat down and listened to the entirety of the Best of Marilyn Manson while I waited for someone to call my name (I gave a fake name, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was, probably some obscure background character from the Harry Potter books, only presumably a normal-ish sounding one, not Charity Burbage ), yeah it was a pretty busy clinic, it was still heaving with people when my name was finally called, this is important, remember that bit.
So in I went to this room with a woman who I thought couldn't be far off retirement, and she sat me down and I explained that I wanted to sign up for a condom card. At this point they were supposed to explain good condom using practice (don't put two on at once, no you can't jut use a crisp packet instead, for the love of god don't re-use them. That sort of thing), and have you put a condom on a wooden demonstrator that looked like something you'd find in the back of a Neolithic cave that archaeologists would claim was a fertility statue, and not you know... A dildo.
Yeah none of that happened and I made a mental note to mention that on the score card, instead she raced straight into the sign up form, however instead of just handing me the sheet so I could fill it in myself she started reading questions out.
Name,
Date of birth,
Sexuality -
Wait, that last one, that one wasn't on the form, I'd seen the form, and not only was it not on the form we were specifically told that they WEREN'T ALLOWED TO ASK THAT, so I mildly panicked and stuttered out
"B b bisexual?"
At which point this woman screwed her face up a bit and shuffled to the door, that led to the very, very open plan waiting room and yelled:
"WE NEED THE BISEXUAL LEAFLETS!!!" down the corridor to one of her colleagues.
Back in the room there's me wishing the ground would swallow me up and thanking multiple deities that my boss is around the corner in a Jeep reading a newspaper.
She shuffled back in and sat back down, at which point it got weirder.
"Now to be safe with another woman you need to use a dental dam -"
Because you know, only women have oral sex obviously.
She gave me a whole painstakingly awkward talk on how to use dams (which didn't include, pick it up, sniff it and conclude nothing that smells like Poundland lipbalm is going anywhere near your vulva), and how you can't use the card I was signing up for to get dam but they could order some in for me.
She gave me a far more detailed talk on dams than she had about condoms, and by the time there was a knock on the door I literally wanted to die.
The knock at the door by the way, was someone who informed us they didn't have any bisexual leaflets, at which point I was handed my shiny new condom card, told to come back in a week for my dams and directed to the reception desk to get my first bag of free condoms.
I basically ran out the door with the bag and straight around to the car, where I collapsed into the passenger seat in a fit of giggles as I explained what had happened.
It also turned out that the whole bag was all regular condoms, when they were supposed to give a mix of different kinds unless someone asked just for regular or said they had a latex allergy.
I often wonder if there is still a little purple baggie of dental dams sitting on a window somewhere with my fake name on it.
So yeah, next time you feel a bit embarrassed about something, just think to yourself, at least an old lady didn't yell about how you needed bisexual leaflets down a packed hallway. |
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| Pain Palace Dungeon selfie |
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| Brand new jelly sandles, ready to make some new fi |
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| What would you do if you found me like this? |
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| Take a bite of my fruit, be enslaved to me forever |
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| Frisk Events Callender 2015 |
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| The back of a corset I was still breaking in at th |
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| 18th Century Style Stays I made, not to be confuse |
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| What is your starsign? |
Taurus April 21 - May 20 |
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| What is your Primary Language? |
English |
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| What is your Secondary Language? |
A little German |
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| How would you describe your non-binary gender? |
Genderfluid |
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| What is your favourite colour? |
Midnight Blue |
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| Who is your favourite celebrity? |
Henry Cavill |
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| What is your best feature? |
Feet |
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| What is your worst feature? |
Nose |
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| What three words best describe your personality? |
Gothic, Mxtress, Stomp |
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| What is your favourite food? |
Taco Bell |
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| What is your favourite drink? |
Mead |
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| What is your favourite film? |
Star Trek: The Voyage Home |
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| What is your favourite TV programme? |
The Witcher |
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| What are your favourite flowers? |
White Lillies |
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| What is your favourite perfume? |
Lilac and Gooseberries |
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| What is your favourite gift? |
Corsets |
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| What is your favourite holiday destination? |
Tunisia |
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| What is your ethnicity? |
Caucasian (White) |
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| What is the colour of your eyes? |
Blue |
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| What is the colour of your hair? |
Black |
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| What length is your hair? |
Long |
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| How would you describe your body type? |
Few Extra Pounds |
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| How tall are you? |
5'10" |
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| How would you describe the size of your breasts? |
Large |
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| Are your breasts natural or enhanced? |
Natural |
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| How is your pubic hair fashioned? |
Natural |
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| Do you smoke? |
No |
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| Do you have any tattoos or piercings? |
Both |
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| If you have tattoos or piercings, how discreet are they |
Visible |
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| What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you in public? |
The elastic broke in my knickers as I was crossing a bridge and I had to step out of them and walk on. |
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| What sort of men turn you on? |
I fetishise men with long hair and non-toxic personalities. Selfish "bros" are a hard limit. |
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| What sort of women turn you on? |
Women who love to listen to Beethoven. |
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| What is the most outrageous thing that you’ve done sexually (be honest!) |
Drank far too much at a party and had sex with someone I'd been far too shy (and until that point far too monogamous) to admit I'd fancied for eons. |
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| Where would you most like to have sex? |
Are we talking realistically? I mean we're living in the future right? Space is realistic innit? |
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| What is your favourite sexual position? |
Me on top, not getting leg cramps. |
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| What is your second favourite sexual position? |
A human knotted mess that Cosmo gave a fancy name |
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| What is your biggest turn on? |
Honesty |
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| The most sensitive part of my anatomy is? |
My neck |
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| Describe the experience (when and where) |
Got kicked in the face because sex education is all about the straights and we were confused. Kind of killed the moment a bit. |
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| What is your favourite sexual fantasy? |
Always getting what I want |
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| How often do you masturbate? |
Most days |
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| What sexual activity do you enjoy the most? |
I love a good orgy with people I like |
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| When is your libido at its highest? |
When surrounded by attractive nerds |
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