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Monday, April 29th 2024

Blueberry Juice Recipe (Satire)

Treat yourself to a delightful spin on a classic mocktail, brimming with dark memories (erm..., I mean fruits).

Ingredients:
100g of fresh blueberries (handpicked from your local supermarket)
Handful ice cubes
2 tablespoons of sugar syrup
A dash of lemon juice
Some spring mint
Sparkling water
A Pinch of Sarcasm (to taste)

Instructions:
1. Begin by crushing blueberries with a fork in a shaker, just as my mother crushed my teenage self-confidence with her unreasonable expectations. Embrace the bitterness and sweetness of fresh blueberries as you blend, ignoring any lumps of unresolved personal issues.

2. Once the blueberries are sufficiently smushed, add plenty of ice and shake vigorously until the mixture is well chilled. Ice cubes are perfect to numb the sting of any mother's harsh criticism.

3. Now, pour in the sugar syrup, adding layers of superficial sweetness to the juice. This will mask the underlying defensiveness and emotional instability of your blueberries.

4. For an extra kick, consider adding a dash of lemon juice. While it may not erase the bitterness of your blueberries, it will provide a refreshing distraction from any emotional turmoil. After all, sometimes a little sourness from lemon juice and bubbles from sparkling water can make life a bit more exciting.

5. Once the mixture reaches a harmonious balance of flavours and emotions, pour it into a fancy glass. Garnish with some fresh mint leaves and a bit of sarcasm. Humour is the best defence mechanism against anyone's judgment of your perfectly crafted blueberry mocktail.

Writing satire around the Blueberry juice recipe while incorporating themes of overcoming childhood trauma provided me a platform to explore important issues in a lighthearted and thought-provoking way while saving fortune on not seeing an expensive therapist . Visit me in person for more advice on how to cut costs and survive the cost-of-living crisis

Sunday, November 19th 2023

#WinterWarmth

[Disclaimer: The Blueberry Girl assumes no responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions in the content of this blog post. The information contained has no guarantee of completeness, accuracy or usefulness.]

My dildos and vibrators put up with a lot. When I have to go away for several days to focus on non-sex work projects, they obligingly stay in my flat looking after my property. In November, all my toys spent days in a cold apartment because I can’t afford leaving the heating on for them… but everyone has their limits and my dildos threaten me to take strike action if I fail to provide them with warmth during my future time away.

I took this #WinterWarmth mission seriously and I started to jot down some ideas on keeping my dildos warm without having the heating on:

Adopt neighbour’s cat for the night
It's a great idea to keep warm and feel less lonely but I don’t want my dildos to be covered in cat’s fur. On top of that I would need at least 5 cats per night to keep all my toys happy.

Stop shaving
Letting hair grow freely anywhere on a body provides an extra layer of insulation for keeping a body cozy and warm.

Eat a gingerbread man
It is thought that ginger increases blood circulation and therefore body temperature.

Get some friends
…and invite these individuals to play a ball-throwing game in your living room - This should instantly heat up the room.

Use Calcium Chloride To Warm Up
It sounds dangerous, but apparently it’s really easy to make homemade hand warmer using calcium chloride and plastic bags (You can find some basic instructions online on how to do it).

Re-use The Bath Water to fill up a hot water bottle.

Unfortunately, none of the ideas above will keep my sex toys warm and I decided to simply supply them with a stylish beanie hat and a scarf.

—-----
Nothing like my cuddles can make the cold winter months bearable! I'm the hot chocolate of hugs: warming you up from the inside out! So don't be a snowman, come get a hug and make the winter months a little more cozy!

Sunday, October 8th 2023

Losing a Soulmate (?) & The Game of Whores

(I recommend playing “Hello” by Adele [Laibert Remix] in the background while reading this blog post to boost drama in my story.)

The backstory
I received the first text “HEY” in August 2020.
I felt like I needed more… I did not feel challenged or stimulated by this brief introductory message to consider replying to it.

Several weeks passed and the mystery “HEY” text was sent again. I thought about blocking the number but then I remembered what Ernie J Zelinski said: “If you're in a hurry to find happiness, slow down. Give it a chance to catch up with you.”

With each subsequent text “Hey”, I started to believe that universe is giving me a sign and my “HEY”- sender is trying to share an uplifting non-verbal bond with me. Our souls agreed before this life to meet up and I should patiently wait for more… How else would you explain random “HEY” text messages from the same mobile number - “Dick emergency”? Loneliness? Attention seeking? Surely not!

The universe has a way of pushing people together…and if it keeps happening, nobody should ignore it. If there’s a particular person you see regularly at your local Waitrose or waiting at the bus stop; or even running around your local park, chances are you’re meant to meet them.

While waiting patiently for the last 3 years for universe to work on this, I made plans for the future with “HEY”: selected a special role play we were going to act out in bedroom and created a list of restaurants I wanted to visit with him.

I knew that when I’m ready, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, the universe will bringing “HEY” into my life.

Why did it end?
One day in the summer, I was taking a shower after seeing a client and I realized that I really didn't want wait anymore.
I felt like I lost myself and my spark.
I found myself checking my phone less often for any more details from “HEY” - he had no interest in moving this to the next stage.
We didn’t share the same future and it wasn’t fair to hold each other back. I had to emphatically end it.

I’m sad but okay, and looking forward to meeting a different client in the future.

Thursday, March 23rd 2023

One of those days...

I had one of those “content creating” days (i.e. a day when I focus on taking images to publish on my profile) in February.

One of those days where every single thing went wrong and I ended up having to talk to myself quietly: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, can this day get any worse…?”

I knew it was going to be a tough mission to take semi-naked pictures outdoors in February. I had chosen a Red Riding Hood inspired boudoir theme specifically because I was in a close proximity of a forest and I had a red cape waiting to be photographed since Halloween.

So what went wrong?
Firstly, I ignored the weather warning text alerting me in a morning about strong winds and rain.
The unpaved rural road leading to the forest was “tooooo” muddy and my super fast little car got seriously stuck in a mud in a middle of nowhere… I panicked and only got my car deeper into the mud.

After 9 min of unsuccessful wheel spinning, I counted to 10 and tried not to let it bother me before taking pictures (being relaxed and calm is a key when I photograph myself). Who needs a car after all? I took my photoshoot equipment/props and decided to walk to the selected spot for 30 min.

On my way to the forest, I've been thinking that I may have been a little hasty in my dismissal of weather warnings but in situations like this I always follow Susan J. Jeffers’s advice: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Despite strong winds and cold winter temperature, I reached my forest destination, got changed into a sexy lingerie set/the red cape and took some saucy pictures.
But the undoubted highlight for me was stepping into deers' solid bowel waste with a bare foot while putting my knee high boots on.

On my way back to the car, it started to rain. Not heavily but enough to get me wet.

To succeeded in my mission of the day, I still had to get my car back home. Calling a friendly neighbour for help would be easy but not an option. I would have to explain my reason for going to the forest and I did not have a good cover story to tell.
(I wish getting a car out of mud was one of the things my school got round to covering during the 14 years of my education.)

But fear not, after 2h of hassle and aggravation and trying all the tips listed on the Internet, I freed the car stuck in mud.

I will end this post by advising caution if you do decide to take boudoir pictures in similar weather conditions. It’s good to ensure that the country road is dry unless you fancy testing your extreme weather driving skills.

Sunday, December 4th 2022

Magical Christmas 2022

Christmas is the most stressful, expensive, emotionally draining time of the year, and that's bound to take a toll on peoples' sex life. But I think that the festive season doesn't have to be a minefield of navigating arguments with parents, buying overpriced last-minute gifts or telling 9 year old kid that Santa doesn't exist... I believe that introducing Christmas-themed role plays into a regular acts of penetrative copulation can add to a bedroom routine some much-needed zest.

Here is a list I have created of kinky Christmas-themed role play ideas to try out this season:

1.
Title: "The Naughty List"
Characters: Santa Claus, A girl
Details: Santa Claus: "Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!" You're on my naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year...unless you do something nice for me...

2.
Title: "Mrs Claus gangbanged by Santa's Elves"
Characters: Mrs Claus, 2 or more Elves
Details: Greedy Mrs Claus gangbanged by Santa's helpers while he is away.

3.
Title: "The Naughty Elf on the shelf"
Characters: The Elf, A married couple
Details: The Naughty Elf on the shelf is a virgin and he is saving himself for a kinky couple in need of a third.

4.
Title: "The Gingerbread Man Sex."
Characters: A couple in a long term relationship.
Details: One of the partners lays perfectly still and nearly rigid during sex because she/he is being boring and lacking passion.

5.
Title: "How the cost-of-living crisis stole Christmas"
Characters: The flat owner, a married next door neighbour.
Details: The flat owner can't afford to turn the heating up this Christmas and asks the next door neighbour to cuddle together in bed. His/Her feeling of awkwardness generates enough energy to warm up the entire flat.

I hope that my festive role play ideas will make your Christmas magical.

Tuesday, July 5th 2022

It's time to confess my dark secret...

According to a scientist from Columbia University, each person has on average 13 bigger or smaller secrets and that confessing these secrets, is a recipe for happiness and wellbeing.

Today I decided to confess one of mine: I LOVE LAWN MOWING AND WEED WHACKING. I have not been addicted to it for long but I have already managed to build a nice collection of mowers and weed trimmers to keep my "lawn" in shape.

Here is what I have learned about lawn mowing in the last 10 months:

1. Service your mower regularly! (or have someone doing this for you).

2. I found on the internet that it's good to cut the grass fortnightly in early spring but I have to do it daily regardless the season.

3. Gardeners' say that most lawn grass is best kept at 2.5cm-4cm tall but I personally love it as short as possible

4. It's good idea to mow the lawn when the grass and the soil beneath it is dry but my "garden" is usually quite moist every day.

6. Compost the clippings! You can do it if you're into it. I usually just dispose them.

Can you please help me to buy a ride-on mower by either meeting me in person or subscribing to my Adultwork Private Gallery?

Thank you.

Sunday, April 3rd 2022

Breast, boobs, titties...

Three years ago I decided to look into having some sort of medical procedure done to slow down the natural process of aging causing my breasts to lose volume.
I struggled to find the right specialist because I wanted my breast to look as natural as possible after the surgery without large horizontal scars under my boobies or vertical scars on my breast itself after mastopexy.

After several disappointing trips to visit various plastic surgeons, I found someone who offered me exactly what I wanted:
- Full perky breast with only two small scars under my armpits
- Silicone ergonomic implants designed to make my breast look and feel as natural as possible.

In this blog post, I am looking at the history of breast enlargement surgery and discuss the augmentation options available between 1889 and 2021.

If I was to make my boobies looking bigger in 1889, my only option would be to get vaseline/paraffin injections from surgeon Robert Gersuny. Despite serious complications of paraffin dispersing in my body after this treatment, I would most likely go ahead with it because it was popular for 20 years.

Early 1900: I would be spoiled for choices - Surgeons could offer me implants made of ivory or glass balls; Terylene wool or polymer sponge. Apparently this was not very popular - I wonder why?

In 1950-60, I could have a synthetic filler (like silicone) injected directly into my breast. This would make me happy for a bit but after sometime I would most likely develop silicone granulomas - my tits would become very hard and the surgeon would have to cut off both boobies. Oh well!

In 1961 surgeons Corin and Gerow invented the first silicone filled implant and inserted it to a dog (!) Esmeralda who chewed her stitches and implants were removed. Luckily a year later, they offered implants this time to a woman: Timmie Jean Lindsey who did not chew her stitches and became the first person to receive silicone implants.

In 1964 I could get for the first time smooth round implants filled with a saline solution.

If I waited to have the surgery five years later (1969), the doctor Franklin Ashley could offer me a natural looking implant in a shape of a teardrop with a textured surface to reduce the risk of the implant dislocating.

In 1992 I would most likely get only saline filled implant because U.S Food and Drug Administration (FDA) banned silicone ones which started leaking inside the body leading in some cases to a cancer ;-(.

From 2006 onwards, FDA imposed strict rules on the production of saline and silicone implants to make them safer for patients. As a result both types of implants would be available for me that year.

The evolution of breast enlargement surgery over the last 100 years is horrifying and astounding.
I feel lucky that in 2022 instead of paraffin injections I was given a choice of over 450 implants of different shapes. VECTRA 3D software captured 3D images of my breast allowing me to preview surgery results during an in-office consultation. The tools available now for the axillary endoscopic technique to insert the implant (via the armpit) make surgeons more comfortable offering this and that was the main factor why I have decided to do it this year.

There is a chance that in the future I could be offered chemical/hormonal products which will stimulate the breast growth without having implants but for now I am happy to host some “plastic-fantastic polymer” inside me for the next 10-20 years.

___________
FYI: I am in the process of building TBG website and soon I will move blog posts to my own space.

Tuesday, December 28th 2021

#2022NewYearsResolutions

In the last 365 days, I have achieved 1 out of 12 #2020NewYearsResolutions (this is not a typing error, #2021 list is yet to be completed...)

Every year I face the same problem: I create a list of far-reaching goals and then focus on everything else but not on completing my goals... This year will be different!

Here is my list of 12 goals I promise to achieve in 2022:

1. I will spend more than one hour a day on Netflix.
2. I will exercise more self-control i.e. I will stop eating ice-cream that taste bad (e.g. strawberry or mint) and eat more ice cream that taste good (e.g. salted caramel).
3. I will give out treats to my clients to help them gain weight so that I look skinnier.
4. I will develop a new bad habit so that I feel less anxious about my current bad habits.
5. I will read less but buy more books.
6. I will take up new hobby called 'procrastination'.
7. I will visit the local supermarket more often than my gym.
8. I will spend less than £1,800 on coffee at Costa this year.
9. I will give up on dating and focus on becoming a successful crazy cat lady.
10. I will save some money for a rainy day so that I can shop online when the weather is bad instead of going to the actual shop.
11. I will avoid getting divorced this year by not getting married.
12. I will stop making New Year resolutions list.

Happy New Year 2022!

Saturday, November 27th 2021

The Most Festive Way to Masturbate...

An interview with the latest Alice's sex toy - the glass candy cane dildo.

When did you first join Alice&'s toy collection?
Candy Cane Dildo: I joined the aforementioned toy collection two weeks ago. Alice needed a festive themed toy to use in her "Santa's helper" content and thought she should give me a chance. Like most organised "whores", she ordered me on Amazon in September and then I waited 4 weeks before being introduced first to her regular clients.

Have you ever been used for pleasure?
Candy Cane Dildo: No. Alice has never used me for pleasure. She carries me around a lot, especially when she meets her gentleman friends but I usually end up forgotten on the bed side table.

Let's move on, if Alice could bring three sex toys to a deserted island, would you be one of the three?
Candy Cane Dildo: Possibly. I am made out of glass - a strong, durable and easy to clean material. I could be used as toy and as a weapon.

When was the last time Alice used you?
Candy Cane Dildo: Oh yeah, few days ago. Alice took me to an outcall meeting in her suitcase promising me to use me for the foreplay. However, she has forgotten about me and never took me out of the bag.

That's interesting. Why did she forgot to use you for the foreplay?
Candy Cane Dildo: It is a game we play. I am forced to feel small and insignificant but with us it's just for fun.

Are you likely to be used in the event that masturbation is desperately needed?
Candy Cane Dildo: I don't think so. Alice likes using her own fingers for this.

Would you say you like your new owner Alice?
Candy Cane Dildo: She is my best friend and I put no other human before her but if she ever use me again as a door stop, I will run away; and apply to be a sex toy in a dungeon.

Have you learned anything embarrassing about Alice in the two weeks you have been with her?
Candy Cane Dildo: I have something. She attempted to wax her own vagina few days ago and after sometime she run out of wax. Half of her pussy is now shaven and half is waxed.

Just one final question. Where do you see yourself in five years?
Candy Cane Dildo: I don't believe I will be seeing Alice in five years. She will probably replace me with another festive toy in 2022.

Wednesday, October 27th 2021

7 Fascinating Facts about Prostitutes

Learn more about your friendly local sex provider.

1. Cypridophobia refers to the fear of prostitutes or venereal disease.

2. The word “prostitute” comes from Latin prostitut - ”exposed publicly, offered for sale”

3. Prostitutes survive on regular or irregular payments from churchgoers, middle class man or overseas travellers.

4. Known threats to the prostitute include snowflakes (i.e. unreliable clients), drug dealers and pimps.

5. Prostitutes and Starbucks have a lot in common: there is one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name.

6. The “prostituting sense” refers to the innate ability of a prostitute to detect a time-waster.

7. Some female prostitutes consume their client after mating, but most just have a snack instead.

Sunday, October 24th 2021

Little-Known Backstory of (...)

"Little-Known Backstory of a ruined 2021 Halloween Pumpkin"

It's 7 days until Halloween!
The older I get, the more excited I feel about Halloween dresses & Pumpkin carving.

I started brainstorming Halloween profile content ideas back in July. I wanted to add a simple black dress to my outfit collection as well as learn how to use coloured smoke flares. It took me about a month to source all the props (easy peasy). The most difficult part was finding the right spot to set off the flares without attracting unwanted attention from a fire brigade. Luckily,
it all worked fine until it got windy... In the midst of my creative frenzy, I decided to place the black flare inside the carved pumpkin for extra "wow" effect.
On that fateful day I miscalculated how the black smoke flare will react to a strong wind: it took only few seconds to build up enough black mist for a dramatic effect but then the wind blown the smoke around.
It happened so quickly and I could do nothing to shield the pumpkin from the onslaught that came down upon him (see pictures). The pumpkin was destroyed and there was no way to salvage it.

This accident made me to reflect on all these pumpkins lost each year while serving us content creators to satisfy our creative cravings.
(If you had asked me three months ago if I cared about pumpkins, I would have firmly answered that I don’t care one bit for those heavy orange veggies, that they mean less than nothing to me.)

I guess this blog post is my way of asking you (Dear Reader) for some commendation in recognition of pumpkins' loyalty, it's hard work and it's Halloween suffering.

Have spooky Halloween!

Thursday, November 19th 2020

Dear Mr. Perte de temps,

Thank you for getting in touch. Every day, I am thrilled to receive wonderful emails from boys across the UK (or North America), and it is my dearest wish to be able to meet all of you… Unfortunately, I am unable to reply to your email with a subject: "u avail bb?"

I feel that your email, (while thoughtful) is NOT well-crafted. I engage positively with all races and 18+ adults but emails lacking suggested dates/time for the meeting or requesting services clearly NOT advertised on my profile utterly lack the capacity to inspire any sort of delight or joy.

I appreciate your interest in meeting the Blueberry Girl and encourage you to continue sending your emails. TBG would be nothing without meeting creative 18+ boys. I kindly ask that you include the following elements in your introductory email:
- Suggested date/time for the meeting
- Suggested outfit advertised on my profile (if any)
- Suggested role/play (if any)
- Other requests for the meeting.

I look forward to receiving your email.

Kind regards

Alice
The Blueberry Girl.

Thursday, June 18th 2020

Myths about brunettes

This Blueberry's blog post has been brought to you today by the letters B and G, and the number 1...***

I have been living in London full-time for the last 2 years. I know most hotels and Tube Stations in the West-Central area but the thing I wish to talk about today in my blog is that there are not many myths about brunettes. There are so many myths about blondes being stupid and redheads being fiery, but brunettes are forgotten.

Here is a list of brunette myths from the Internet and my view on each of them...

Myth 1: Employers are more likely to hire a brunette, simply because they think she’ll do her job more responsibly then a blonde or red-haired candidate.
Truth: Nope. I think a brunette and blonde DUO is much better to do the job.

Myth 2: Brunettes are friendly and approachable.
Truth: I am friendly and approachable if you turn up for the arranged meeting. If you are a snowflake who like messing me around, I will use the special block button on my iPhone.

Myth 3: Men prefer to settle with brunettes.
Truth: I've been looking for a husband for the last 27 years... (The one who wants to settle down with me is taking his time).

Myth 4: Brunettes are smarter
Truth: Agree.

Do you like brunettes or do you prefer blondes (or red-haired)?

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*** This phrase is from Sesame Street

Thursday, May 28th 2020

Best fake cum recipe ever.

Welcome

Sometimes the easiest recipes are the hardest to get right, and fake cum is the perfect example.

I’ve been an obsessive safe-sex practitioner my whole life i.e. I take in-person meetings very seriously and I don't cater for any cum/unprotected sex fetishes.
However, as a virtual whore, my pool of fetishes and kinks have greatly expanded and I can feature fake cum in my video clips as part of my taboo menu.

In an effort to make a naughty video clip for my profile, I went on a mission to find the perfect recipe for fake semen.
To me, that meant fake cum that is simple to make and yet so intensely creamy that they can satisfy any fake sperm craving.
I spent the weekend trying out these recipes back-to-back, putting them up against each other in the ultimate fake seamen showdown. I judged them on colour texture and appearance.

First recipe: Classic.
Turning my naked body into a sundae sounds sexy, except for the fact that whipped cream or vanilla ice cream has sugar i.e. introducing sugar to my vagina would mess my pH levels and lead to a yeast infection.
Therefore, I decided to mix a teaspoon of double cream with water-based lubricant. The mix looked creamy and thick and could easily look like semen in porn movies.

Second recipe: It wasn't worth the effort.
I found on the internet that most porn stars admit using the face cleanser Cetaphil. After an unsuccessful hunt for the Cetaphil at Waitrose, I settled down for the Essential Waitrose Chamomile shower gel.
The liquid looked creamy and smelled nice but it was well too runny to use it so I abandoned the idea of testing it.

Third recipe: The creamy vegan winner.
Coconut fake sperm is a dairy-free alternative to classic double cream fake cum! For a dairy-free, vegan-friendly version cum, I simply mixed coconut cream from a tin with water-based lubricant. The texture is dense, rich, perfectly white and it feels smooth on my fingers.
I think every virtual whore should keep this receipt in her back pocket.

Your turn! What’s your go-to perfect recipe?

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Would you like to watch me testing coconut fake semen? There is a short video clip in my Adultwork.com Private Gallery.